Better with age…

0: I emerged into the great big world, without a stitch on and not bothered in the slightest. I couldn’t speak the language; I didn’t know the people; the colours looked funny; the buildings were very big; everything was noisy; and I could scream.

1: Still needy. I was understanding things better, but still learning. I was watching everything. Chewing everything. I understood cuddles, warmth, but still couldn’t speak. When I wanted anything – I screamed.

2: Still needy. Starting to become more mobile, speedy on all fours. Able to make strange grunting noises – neither human nor animal, yet similar to both. Chuckles, burps, and, of course – screams.

3: Still needy. Upright more of the time. Walking and crawling. Falling and crying. Eating and needing to be changed (!). And speaking! First words after walking across a room: “Ow’s that?”. First words ever, possibly “Mama” or “Dada”, but I can’t really remember. Oh, and screams.

4: Totally independent. Walked confidently across the porch step into the wide world to go to school. Played with children I didn’t know, in sandpits and water pits. Didn’t know them. Didn’t like it. Screamed.

5: Learning. Learning. Learning. Loved it. Loved playing more, but learning was good. Learning also that screaming is not always good.

6: Learning about people. Becoming wary of people. Not liking certain people. Hurting because of what some people do. To me. To others. Not screaming. Crying.

7: Confidence low. Self-consciousness very high. Time in hospital. First time all alone. Didn’t like it. Wanted to scream. Wanted to run. Went to sleep looking one way, woke up looking different. Self-consciousness lower. Confidence higher.

8: Different me. Older me. Happy me. New school me. Still bullied me.

9: Learning. Learning. Learning. Writing with a pen. Learning about dinosaurs and space. Learning to read better. Learning to write better. Learning better.

10: Growing pains. Met Superman, Wonder Woman and Batman. Met fantasy. Better than reality.

11: The big school. The big world. Loved some classes. Loathed other classes. Loved learning. Loathed speaking in front of the class. Loved being home. Loathed walking home alone.

My first twelve years were a bit of a mixed bag emotionally. From being extremely happy to extremely frightened was quite jarring. From feeling being part of the world to being an outsider was quite confusing. But from having everything done for me to doing everything for myself was quite liberating.

I don’t have that many memories of my first few years, apart from those above… and even then, the very early ones aren’t my memories, I don’t think. Growing up is an amazing experience to go through, full of exciting opportunities to learn and develop. The thing is, even though I loved my early years, I would rather be able to remember more good things, than the bullying that started from an early age. Not that everyone bullied me, I hasten to add, but the bullies frightened me. That feeling of fear is getting in the way of the good feelings (which were there the majority of the time). A quote from the movie ‘Strictly Ballroom’:

A life lived in fear is a life half lived

It looks as though I only lived half of my growing years.

My thoughts have certainly got better with age. I know that there are people who don’t know any better than to treat others badly, but is it their fault? Maybe they have a reason to hit out at the world because they are living in fear too? I don’t know. I can’t speak for anyone who bullies anyone. I can speak for myself, however. It does hurt. It does stay. It can’t be forgotten, but it can be forgiven.

Now: I’m me. Still learning. Still reading. Still writing. Thinking back. Thinking forward. Thinking full stop. Feeling good. And on occasions… still screaming…

Lessons from an old soul

I’m hearing a lot of things that are making me think more than usual of late. I’m reading a lot of things that are making me think more than usual of late, too. And, I’m thinking a lot of things that are making me think more than usual… and that is saying something!

I can dwell on the tiniest aspect of nothing for a whole day if nothing else comes along to stop me. I love to think. I have a tendency to over-analyse things, to make mountains out of mole hills, to get things completely wrong and then solve the trickiest of problems, when I put my mind to it.

I’ve read an article today that touches slightly on reincarnation. I believe that we are reincarnated many times, and I briefly mentioned my theory on this in my post “Past Lives”, back on December 10th. (Coincidentally, on 11th December I first mentioned 1642 (going by memory…!) and look what that has done to me!). This article was about how we are reincarnated many many times, and the reasons for this are so we can learn everything. The more lifetimes we have, the more knowledge we ‘pick up’ until we have earned the right to move up to the next level of existence.

Coincidentally, I have read another article that says we choose our lifetimes, although when we are ‘alive’ we forget all about the other lifetimes, and our origin itself.

So, putting the two articles together, we choose each lifetime we experience, until we feel we have learned enough to then move up on high. What this means to me, is we can choose to stay in this existence for as long as we want to. We can move on whenever we want to… and we can come back whenever we want to as well. We have forever to take part in all these comings and goings, and we can choose how we feel when we are here!

Phew. Luckily in this lifetime, I have chosen to feel good.

As I mentioned earlier, I tend to think more deeply about certain things, and today, I was thinking about my level of knowledge, and then, my soul.

I’ve heard the phrase “He’s such an old soul” mentioned many a time, but I always took this on face value of the words – meaning someone literally was old, or older than their years. Today, I thought of it in a different way. The ‘old soul’ is the person who has been reincarnated lots of times, they have all of this ‘forgotten’ knowledge within them, and others recognise this when they use the ‘old soul’ term. I found myself thinking about where my soul would be, in the grand scheme of things.

Well, I’m not a natural singer or dancer, so there are two classic examples of ‘knowledge’ or experience excluded from my greater being. I like to think of myself as artistic, but when I see other peoples’ work, I’ll include that in the exclusion too. However I do try with what I do, so I am willing to learn. I’m also not keen on any sport whatsoever, so that excludes that experience from my repertoire as well.

I feel that anything that comes naturally to us must be something that we have learned and picked up from before. I read a story once about a woman who had been comatose for a while and woke up speaking fluent Spanish, although she had never been to Spain, and could never speak any other language before whatever had caused her to slip into the coma. How could this be possible? I’m not saying what I am thinking is the right answer, but it is an intriguing thought.

So, on to me. I feel I must be quite a young soul. I have a few birthmarks on my body – which I once heard were caused by battle-scars from a previous life – so that indicates I have been here before. However, due to my ‘lack of natural skills’ in certain areas, I have a lot of things still to learn.

I don’t think it matters if we are old or young souls. In each lifetime, we are here to experience whatever we can, and get the most out of the moment that we have, in the existence that we are aware of. If we bring something through from a previous existence, that’s great, but if we don’t, we have all the more things to learn. And learning is fun!

My thoughts today may have added two and two and got five, but they have felt good. And if learning different ways to feel good is my lesson in this lifetime, I’m happy. I can live with that. I can learn to sing next time around!

Right place, right time

… I can see a new horizon
Underneath the blazin’ sky
I’ll be where the eagle’s flyin’
Higher and higher
Gonna be your man in motion
All I need is a pair of wheels
Take me where my future’s lyin’

… I found myself in the right place at the right time this morning. Driving to work, I switched the radio on, and what should be starting exactly at that moment? St Elmo’s Fire, by John Parr. I’ve not heard it in at least a hundred years. It took me back. I loved every second of it! I would have sung along if I could – but I didn’t remember the words – so my fellow motorists had to put up with me ‘rock-bopping’ behind my wheel. Well, I was rock-bopping internally, and was thoroughly enjoying myself. I was smiling. Driving to work, on a Monday morning. Smiling. Just after 8am (OK 8.15 – I was running late!) and smiling. I’ve not experienced that for a while.

In the midst of all the merriment, I had completely lost track of where I was. I was driving safely, I hasten to add – dancing internally allows safe driving if you’re an experienced car dancer, as I am. Somehow, I don’t know how, I arrived at work on time. To be honest, I do know how. I wasn’t thinking about running late. What you think about, you bring about, remember? I was thinking about feeling good – and I was certainly bringing that about!

The last time I had experienced a mini disco moment in my car, was when I was dancing to Shakespeare’s Sister. I was actually singing along to that song, so was giving a full on performance… which did attract the attention of other motorists. I was beeped at – and I knew that the other driver just wanted to join in. I’ve written about that experience in an earlier post, if my memory serves me right.

OK. Work this morning was fine. It could have been rubbish, but I was humming St Elmo’s Fire all morning, so it didn’t matter. I got my job done, and soon it was lunchtime. I got into my car, and switched the radio on… at the exact moment one of the shopkeepers I know was being interviewed on the local radio station. I recognised her voice instantly. I could have missed the interview… but didn’t.

Driving back to work, I switched the radio on again. At the time another song was starting. Another favourite of mine, that also reminds me of good times from the past:

I sit and wait
does an angel contemplate my fate
and do they know
the places where we go
when we’re grey and old
’cos I’ve been told
that salvation lets their wings unfold
so when I’m lying in my bed
thoughts running through my head
and I feel that love is dead
I’m loving angels instead

… That’s right, Angels by Robbie Williams. This song reminds me of a time in my previous job where a group of us were put together to provide training for a new centre. We didn’t know each other, yet had to work well together. In the evening, we would hit the bars and would all have a group hug-dance to this song at the end of the night. Every night. We must have looked a sight… but it was fun. And we bonded!

Work this afternoon: Good. I like feeling good… I may have mentioned that occasionally. The time flew by, and it was soon home time. I got into my car. Switched my radio on. And… adverts. Ah well, never mind. And then…

You don’t have to feel like a waste of space
You’re original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road

… Katy Perry’s Firework. I think this has become my absolute favourite record at the moment. I think I’ve mentioned this before, too.

So, four journeys. Four times the radio has provided me with something I was obviously meant to hear at that time. Four ‘stepping stones’ that helped me to keep hold of my feel good feeling all day. And possibly four messages for me too. I can’t really remember the interview, so I’ll say three messages, which, could mean:

New horizons where I can let my wings unfold, will be there when I open closed doors and step out on my perfect road.

I’m on that perfect road already. However, I’m always grateful for any reminder!


Ambience is my word of the day for today.

The way how it flows when you say it is relaxing enough, but when you put it into perspective with a nice, calm relaxing environment, with soft and gentle music in the background, ambience seems to up it’s gear quite a lot in the relaxation stakes!

Not that ambience in itself can be relaxing… oh no! Ambience relates to the tone, the atmosphere, the mood, the lighting and the presence of the current location.

Sometimes, the ambience can be electrifying, or exciting, or frightening, or energetic, or even strange.

I like a good ambience, I have to say. I like to feel good.

I’m sitting in my favourite armchair with a soft breeze coming in through the window that is slightly open. The day outside is hazy, but bright, and the brook is babbling by just beneath the window. A fresh scent of flowers is also in the air, and the lighting in the room appears, if I may say, quite ‘dreamy’. Relaxed.

I gently wake up. There is no open window. No breeze. No babbling brook. No scent of flowers. No haze. But the ambience is still there.

This is what I like… the idea of a nice ambience.

The Wolf Moon… Luna Lupa

It’s a Full Moon tonight!

Tonight’s Full Moon is known as the Snow Moon, or the Wolf Moon, apparently. Although, I must admit there is quite a lot of confusing information regarding the Wolf Moon. Some say it is the first Full Moon of the year, which would mean that the Full Moon in January is the Wolf Moon, yet others say it is the Full Moon in February. Whenever the Wolf Moon falls, I think it is a magnificent name for the Moon, and the above picture I have discovered on the web illustrates it to perfection! And to all intents and purposes, from this day forward, in my world, February’s Full Moon will forever be known as the Wolf Moon.

In magical terms, the Full Moon has the most power, with the New Moon coming in at a close second. Occasionally, when I send a Cosmic Order, I imagine my request firing off to the universe through the Moon. I imagine the Moon amplifying my order, providing it with a little more energy – a little more oomph – and at the Full Moon this oomph is multiplied. My intention of receiving what I am requesting is amplified also. What we give out, we tend to get back. So, the Full Moon is a good time to send a Cosmic Order, as long as you believe in the desired outcome. No belief will mean no outcome…

One way to look at the Full Moon is to see it as a doorway of choice. We have set our intention to do something, be something, change something or whatever. We can open the door, and allow the Full Moon to provide us with the necessary power to move forward and to bring those changes in to our lives. Or we can keep the door closed and continue as we are. We can use the Moon to illuminate and empower our thoughts so we can move forward, or make things lighter for us to stay the same. We have the choice to take a path – neither path is the wrong path – and the Full Moon will provide the necessary energy for the transition through the end of one cycle and the beginning of another. Whenever we make a choice it is a new beginning.

I like the energy that I feel around the time of the Full Moon. I’ve mentioned before that the Moon has an effect on the tides, and that our bodies are made up of water, so the Moon will invariably have an effect on us too. Scientists have said they have found no physical link between the Full Moon and mood swings (for example) yet I know a lot of people who act differently at the time of the Full Moon. And the words ‘lunacy’ and ‘lunatic’ must have come from somewhere when language was being created (Luna – the Moon).

So, as today’s Full Moon has been officially named as the Wolf Moon around these parts, I’m taking the naming ceremony one step further. The Moon has always been considered female, and is also known as Luna. The she-wolf is known as Lupa. Can you see the connection? I’ve re-branded February’s Full Moon as Luna Lupa. With the magical energy of the Moon combined with the  teaching abilities of the Wolf, solutions to any problems can be found. A solution is an ending. And after an ending comes a new beginning.

So, there we have it. Moons and wolves, choices, solutions and new beginnings.

Not at all bad from a Full Moon in February…