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A little bull…

I like a good dream! I don’t mind the occasional nightmare either, for that matter, just as long as it is an entertainingly spooky nightmare, and not one of those leap-out-of-bed-shaking-and-drenched-in-sweat types, or LOOBSADIS, as this type of dream is regularly called by myself. Well, not that regularly, to be honest, I don’t have that many Loobsadis dreams, but when I do, I really have them. Loobsadis also needs to have it’s own style of lettering, just because it is one of those words.

I don’t want to dwell on any of the dreams that have left me with an awfully bad feeling. That would not do the whole ‘feel good’ thing any favours whatsoever! One Loobsadis dream that I don’t mind writing about is a random little one that I had several years ago. The memory is still with me to this day. And, at times, I shudder when I think of it.

*Shudders*

See… told you! Anyway, read on and you too may find yourself shuddering. Either with fear or uncontrollable laughter (I don’t know which) but the nightmare was very vivid to me. Very frighteningly vivid.

I’d decided to go for a jog. Now, me and exercise do not tend to see eye to eye, but when I need to do it, I do it pretty well indeed, thank you very much. Apart from jogging, that is. I’m not the world’s best jogger, although I have plenty of dreams where I am out jogging.

It was early in the morning. The day had a yellowish glow to it. The sky was yellow, the grass was a yellowy green, the buildings were a yellowy browny terracotta colour, and the clothes I was wearing were a kind of yellowy blacky whitey red. A lot of yellow was featured in this dream. Now yellow is a colour that is associated with celebration, and is a bright, happy and uplifting colour… unless it is a dull yellow, when it is associated with fear.

*Scribble*

Angel FallsMount OlympusSo, I was jogging on this brightest of yellow days. It was sooo yellow I had no idea of what was to happen later. I was perfectly happy jogging along, just watching the surroundings pass me by as I was jogging. The Eiffel Tower in Paris, The Taj Mahal in Agra, Mount Olympus in Greece, and Angel Falls in Venezuela all passed me as I was out that morning. Breath-taking scenery, I must admit.

I jogged around a corner, and found myself by the edge of a field. A very square field with a path that ran diagonally across it. A single tree was in the middle of this field, and apart from that there was nothing else around it. I started to run along this path, noticing how empty the place was. I also noticed the shift in the yellowness. It had become dull. At the time I didn’t know what this indicated, and carried on jogging regardless. I was confidently doing those jabbing motions with my fists that you see extremely fit people doing every now and then. Well, there was nobody else around – who would see me?

I heard a noise behind me, but carried on jogging. Jabbing and jogging. I heard the noise again – it was closer this time. I looked around, and saw, in the corner of the field a tiny bull running towards me. This bull was knee height, it was that small. However, it was charging towards me at a great speed. And, I was wearing red. Oh Kay then, I thought. I’ll run to that tree and jump up it so the bull won’t be able to trample me. Yes, I know the bull was small, but it looked strong. And it was grunting. And steaming. It was angry.

The tree, as is usually the case in this type of Loobsadis, was moving further away from me. The faster I ran, the further it moved away. And the faster I ran, the closer the bull got to me. I just had to keep on going. I could hear the grunting right behind me. I could feel the bull’s breath on my ankles. I looked around and saw the bulls head bowed. It was about to strike, and I was nowhere near the tree. I screamed.

I was in the middle of the room. Trembling. Wet through. And breathing heavily. Well, I had just jogged all around the world, without eating so much as a bean. In my dream, I think I leaped to get out of the bull’s way, and in reality I had leaped out of bed. My scream woke me up, and probably my neighbours too, but at the time I didn’t mind. I was glad to be in my dark room, away from that empty field and that charging bull. Harry Houdini himself would have been impressed by that escape! I must remember to ask him when I meet him!

See… Loobsadis are very random. The tiniest thing can change a dream from a pleasurable experience to one of sheer horror. Luckily, I have the experience of seeing those worldly landmarks which provide a nice counter-balance to the terror, and I can laugh at the dream now. I laugh in the face of fear. Well, the face of that tiny bull anyway… I don’t actually laugh at fear itself.

My mind must be telling me something with all of these different dreams I am having, although I’m not getting the message clearly coming through. Running through an open space? Exposed? Nowhere to escape? What can it mean?

Improving my imagination

There is always room for improvement. How can there not be? Even the best of the best have to improve otherwise they won’t be the best for long!

Me, I’m always improving. I’m improving in everything that I do. Everything that I see teaches me something. Makes me feel grateful for something. Helps me to feel good about something.

Everything I read helps me to see things in different ways. Seeing things differently isn’t a bad thing, but it can be quite eye opening. Adaptation.

Everything I write helps me in ways to write better; to think better – well, in my mind, anyway!

My imagination is always improving: it must be, for me to be able to dream the things I dream, to fantasize about the alien places that I visit, to visualise how my future will be, to have three-way conversations with myself, to be able to visit far away places and yet remain exactly where I am at the same time.

Through my imagination, I find myself flying high over Manchester, New York, Iceland and Mars. I’m racing Pterodactyls over Dover (I’ve never been to Dover in reality, but I have in my mind. Those white cliffs are extremely vivid in my imagination).

I chat with Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein and Tom Welling about this, that and the other. In my imagination they tell me things that nobody else knows. Obviously, I can’t say what… good things, I hasten to add. Things that I can learn from. Things that will improve who I am…

I also chat with the Owl and the Pussycat, in their pea-green boat, and they tell me all about their honey and money wrapped in a five pound note, their wedding and dancing by moonlight. They also tell me about someone called Edward Lear, something else for me to learn, someone else for me to learn something about.

I also chat to the Loch Ness Monster about history, and swimming, and hiding. And revealing just enough.

I also chat to the werewolves, vampires, zombies and other creatures from my darker mind, my Shadowself, about balance and perspective.

I also chat to walls and ceilings about anything in general. Oh, no, that’s not me; it was Shirley Valentine.

I enthuse about the trivial, and trivialise the unimaginable.

I look deeper than I should, yet appear more shallow at times.

I can live for centuries in the blink of an eye.

I can wait for hours in a split second.

I grow. I am always growing. I learn. I am always learning. I improve. I am always improving.

How can there be space for all of this improvement in my mind? In anyone’s mind? That’s easy! The mind – and where it can take us – is limitless. Without barriers nothing can hold us back. We can aim for the sky yet fly out further.

But what is the point of all of this improvement? Personally, the point is to feel good.

I said that at the beginning. I feel good. And I always want to improve on that feeling!

My mind doesn’t half wander at times.

Introducing a new Tom!

The good thing about long weekends is the short weeks that follow them! It’s Friday again tomorrow, and although I can’t say that the days have gone particularly quickly, the week on a whole has.

Today, on the other hand did go quickly. I’m writing this at 9pm, and it only seems a couple of hours since it was 9am… twelve hours have passed! Blimey!

Another side of my character came out in work today.

The mild mannered, bumbling personality I use in work was still there on the whole, but this morning I set myself a challenge. I had to recreate a problem that occurred every so often with one of the computer systems, but was a major problem when it did occur. I couldn’t recreate it by doing exactly what the users did. I checked the behind the scenes database, and noticed that something wasn’t quite right. The information was getting crossed over along the way. There were connections being made that shouldn’t have been there, and the result meant the wrong information was being displayed to the user.

OK. I could see why it was going wrong. I could see how it would look when it did go wrong. I now needed to make it go wrong, so the software writers could do their job and put it right.

I’m not going to write about the systems, the data or the links I had to put together to enable me to make it go wrong, but I will write that I DID IT!

Tom the Geek emerged this morning at around 10.30am. He looked into the problem from the viewpoint of the problem, rather than the system. As soon as he found what was causing the problem, he recreated the problem. Again, and again, and again. There was no doubt that working backwards in this instance helped me to save many more hours of doing the same old things to try to recreate the problem without success.

Tom the Geek, I thank you.

What about me? Now, that voice sounds familiar.

It’s Bernard… my nagging inner voice, and he is feeling very put out. I ask Bernard, “What about you? What did you do?”

I encouraged Tom the Geek to do his best.

Bernard never encourages anything. That’s how I know that he is feeling very put out. Nothing is ever good enough. Tom the Geek’s work would not have been good enough. Bernard is up to something. In fact, Bernard has been quite quiet of late. He is definitely up to something.

No. I think Tom the Geek did a really good job.

What? Am I hearing this correct? Bernard pouring praise on another part of my personality?

What is so unusual about that? You never listen to me. You are useless. Not like Tom the Geek.

Tom the Geek is me. You are me. I am me. I am having a three-way conversation with myself here and feel as though I am losing some kind of debate. (I always lose debates. I don’t like debates.)

You are. And it is a two-way conversation. Tom the Geek isn’t speaking, and you are losing. You are listening to me. Loser.

OK.

That is it!

I’m not listening to Bernard. I did a really good job today, by utilising the power that I have within my Tom the Geek persona. If I had tapped into the power of Bernard, then yes, I would never have found the problem. I wouldn’t have even got started as something, anything, would have gotten in my way. The problem was found by me in very quick time. The problem was resolved by the writers shortly afterwards.

Bernard, listen to me now: I DID A GOOD JOB!

The next time you tell me that I don’t know what I’m doing, think of that statement. Think of the times I have solved problems in the past. Think of the way that I felt good after doing those things… more than once… and also remember this:

There are many more aspects to my character that you haven’t met yet. Like Tom the Geek, they may appear completely at random. Do whatever is needed really well, and not once complain.

I’m actually looking forward to these new aspects of my character making their unannounced appearances as and when is necessary. I’m looking forward to see how these aspects of my character guide me to an easier future. I’m looking forward to getting to know other aspects of myself that I don’t yet know. And I’m looking forward to be able to give Bernard a good run for his money.

Yes, he can still have his say. But only when I want to listen… oh, maybe Bernard has given me something to think about after all… I was listening to him… I have got the skills within me when I really need to use them. I can make my future better! I CAN DO IT!

That doesn’t sound like a loser speaking to me…

Short post after a long weekend

I’ve reached the end of another long weekend. A great, well needed rest, I must say, but the time has, once again, passed by a little too quickly for my liking.

I finished work at lunchtime on Friday, and had also booked today off so I could coincide my break with my birthday. I haven’t done anything spectacular, but enjoyed it just the same.

One thing I did do… I got my hair cut! Yes! At long last, that severe flick at the back has gone. My hair is now fantastic (once again!), and kind of on the ruffled spiky side which I like. It makes my face look longer, and I am very pleased with it. The way it was before, it hid most of my face – OK, over-exaggeration there, but it was just about to… One thing I am looking forward to, with my short hair, is the time it takes me to get ready in the morning. I have given myself an extra half an hour (at least!) now to do other things, rather than messing about trying to get my hair into some kind of decent shape. Now, it’s a case of wash – dry – done! Yippee!

So, yesterday was my New Year’s Day. Tomorrow will be my Monday. Which kind of makes today Sunday, January 2nd which it so isn’t. I know one thing for certain – I’ll be well and truly confused tomorrow in work. But that is hardly anything new workwise anyway… I think I can cope with an extra Monday feeling. Especially if it is a good Monday feeling, as per the other week! And on the plus side, I only have to work four days until it is the weekend again!

Of course, there is always the chance that I’ll win big on the lottery this week, which will mean that my weekend will come a little earlier. I may go in for another week or so, to train someone else to do my job (even though I never received any training myself, I wouldn’t want to leave the company completely in the lurch…) and then I’ll look for a new mansion, a yacht, a harp and I’ll treat myself to some other thing or two. But, until then, I’ll go to work and continue to try to break things.

Coincidentally, I may win on the Premium Bonds as well. I’ve had some for umpteen years, and may have won before, I’m not sure. I think I’m dreaming there though. My dreams are very realistic though!

I’m a winner if I don’t win the lottery or the Premium Bonds though. I’ve got a fantastic hair cut! And that, tops me – and my weekend – off nicely!

Messages from music

I go through ‘phases’, for want of a better word, of hearing the same piece of music being played whenever I turn on the TV or radio, walk passed someone playing a music system, or someone driving passed me with their car stereo playing very loudly.

Recently, the song I heard everywhere was Katy Perry’s Firework, which to me screams of reaching your own potential – you have to make yourself shine first, as nobody else will. Yes, others may help you to shine brighter once you start to glow, but you have to set alight that initial spark. As daunting as it seems, it can be done.

The current song that is appearing everywhere to me is P!nk and Perfect. Quite a lot of the lyrics stand out to me:

The chorus, first of all, gives a boost to anyone’s confidence:

Pretty, pretty please
Don’t you ever, ever feel
Like you’re less than
Less than perfect

And then there is a whole lot of other lines that sound as though P!nk is singing directly to me…

You’re so mean
When you talk
About yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead
So complicated
Look how we all make it
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It’s enough
I’ve done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons
I’ve seen you do the same

Obviously, she isn’t singing the song for me. The lyrics, however, sound very familiar to me. Well, the old me. No, the old me and part of the current me, let me be honest! I have voices in my head that don’t like me. Voices that say I’m not worth it; I’m useless; I’m not as good as anyone else; and so on.

These voices, however, are nowhere near as strong as they used to be. I can see the good in me. I can see the potential I have in whatever I decide to do. And now, thanks to P!nk I can see that I’m not less than perfect.

Another song that is appearing more frequently than is normal is Lady Gaga’s Born This Way, with lines including:

Don’t hide yourself in regret,
Just love yourself and you’re set
I’m on the right track, baby
I was Born This Way

And:

"There’s nothin’ wrong with lovin’ who you are"
She said, "’Cause he made you perfect, babe”

If I am being honest, I’m a bit half-and-half about Lady Gaga. I think she has sung some really good songs, I’ve seen her interviewed on chat shows on TV, and she certainly is doing what she wants to do, but there is something about her that I just don’t get. It’s more than likely the fact that she is doing what she wants, but in a way that I probably wouldn’t do it. Still, she’s a good performer in my book, and she is getting herself some great publicity!

However, I can’t say that I don’t like her.

Together with Katy Perry and P!nk, she has provided some musical messages that can only make people feel good.

Well, they make me feel good anyway. Always start from within, and then pass it on!

I’m compiling a list of these songs that appear everywhere I am, and I’ll publish the list on New Year’s Eve this year! It will be good to look back on, and interesting to see if any of the songs are still following me around then! And, I’ll be writing from a different place myself too, if I allow myself to shine. Oh, and yes, I am planning to still be writing this blog on New Year’s Eve! Why not? I love it!

I feel good!