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The Superhero Diaries 4.8: Interventions

The Elite Force of Britain: a group of superheroes who joined together to eradicate problems for everyday folk as and when they arise. Arch foes to groups of supervillains such as Supervillains United, they regularly thwart their dastardly plans. Recently, however, the team seem to have disappeared from existence. Reports have been filtering through that our heroes may be staging a return – albeit a subtle one. Following on from last week’s report that featured in The Mid and Up Chronicle, here’s another from The Olde Yorke Digeste:


A roofless ruin in an abandoned town is hardly the setting for an armed siege, but that is exactly what happened on Tuesday. Linda, Tasmania, was the scene, and the stage was set through the open windows of the old Royal Hotel. Holed up inside the building’s shell were members of the UK’s The Pinchem Mob, a subsidiary of Supervillains United. They were, apparently, waiting to be picked up with their as-yet-undisclosed ill-gotten gains, and decided to use Linda as their meeting point.

The arrested members of the group, who were all wrapped in steel girders when dropped off at a police station in Hobart, didn’t speak when asked questions by the police. Fire crews were called to cut them out of the girders, and each one of the five arrested had a note clipped to their shirts with a signed confession attached. The notes also contained details of where their stolen items had been kept for safe keeping. The notes were counter-signed by ‘a friend’.

The strange thing is, which was only disclosed afterwards when one of the Pinchem Mob couldn’t keep quiet any longer, none of them saw who caught them. One minute, he said, they were waiting, and the next they were wrapped in girders and being bundled onto what looked like a Stealth Jet.

Only one person owns their own Stealth Jet, according to British media, and that is the Stealth Gentleman. With no sightings of this British superhero, one can only wonder if it was truly him. And ask why appear in Tasmania? Of course, the other question is why the Pinchem Mob would be there also… but with supervillains being as despicable as they are they could be anywhere.

The strange encounters have continued throughout this week. On Tuesday in San Pedro, Chile, a missing chicken sign was returned to the restaurant from where it had belonged to the owners for generations. The thief, who named himself Pedro Galvarino (although his documents seized by police indicated a different name), handed himself and the chicken sign in to police. He said, rather confused, that he was taking the chicken as a trophy, but a woman’s voice in his head commanded that he walk with it to the nearest police station. He said the voice was telling him to go to the nearest police station to her so he had walked for hours with it, the leather on the soles of his shoes in tatters. As he didn’t know where the woman’s voice was coming from, he eventually threw himself through the doors of the first police station he came across.

British media have advised this seems to be the work of Psychic Sue, although they are baffled why she would make the thief walk so far. In the end, they think he may have misinterpreted her instructions. Why would she be in Chile?

And on Wednesday, in Kiambu, Kenya, a group of joggers out for their daily exercise found themselves running into the British supervillain The Dyemaster. Their neat white shorts and green tee shirts were splattered by various colours of dye from the pesky villain’s Dyegun, and he was attempting to tie-dye dry them if they didn’t hand over their bank cards and pin numbers. Obviously not being the brightest tool in the box, the Dyemaster hadn’t realised the joggers were joggers and thought they were tourists. Still, attempted theft is a crime to some, and tie-dye is one to others, so he had to be stopped. Within seconds, the Dyegun vanished from sight, as did the TieDyeDryer. The supervillain was thwarted by an unseen force and the jiggers were asked to sit on him until the police arrived, who were mere seconds away.

British media say this sounds like the work of Invisible Charlie, but have no idea why he is in Kenya.

Supervillains United released a news release mocking these reports, advising that the superheroes no longer protect Britain or the world and these reports are mere figments of people’s terrified imaginations.

The police forces in all the countries concerned confirm the stories as true, so we here at the Olde Yorke Digeste are convinced that our superheroes are still with us, and are on a secret mission. They will return in due course.

And we live in hope, as always.


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The Superhero Diaries 4.7: Apparitions

The Elite Force of Britain: a group of superheroes who joined together to eradicate problem after problem. Recently, the team appear to have disappeared from existence… or have they? The diabolical supervillain organisation Supervillains United are going to great lengths to try to prove newspaper reports to the contrary that the superheroes appear to be making a comeback. Nothing definite, but such reports are giving citizens everywhere the hope they are longing for. Here’s a report from the local newspaper The Mid and Up Chronicle:

What links Moyobamba, Peru, Adelaide, South Africa, and Dalvík, Iceland? Certainly not their geographical locations, weather systems, populations, or distances from London. But each of these three places and, it is beginning to transpire, other places around the globe, are starting to experience a most unusual – but certainly linked – phenomenon.

A coach party in Moyobamba report being held up at a crossroads by a team of heavily armed and military clothed men, one of whom was about to step aboard the coach when all around them the sound of a beautiful dawn chorus was heard. The would-be highwaymen fell to the floor, screaming and holding their ears as the sound was deafening. The coach party heard relaxing birdsong. The man who tried to get onto the bus was lifted by the collar of his jacket and thrown back out through the open door. There was no physical presence, but a lady sitting close to the front of the coach caught glimpses of the colour crimson and the scent of a familiar perfume.

A traffic warden in Adelaide was lifted off her feet shortly before an out-of-control jeep careered into the brick wall by which she was walking. Although she remembers seeing nobody around her, she could feel a pair of extremely long arms lifting her over to the other side of the road; and she definitely remembers feeling the arms become shorter as she was placed back onto the ground. She also remembers hearing the words “You’re safe now”.

And a couple of tourists in Dalvík found themselves an unusual problem when their popcorn making machine failed, when suddenly the corn in the bag started popping all by itself, the top of the bag bursting into flames briefly before opening, allowing the tourists to devour the delicious and hot popcorn.

These reports point out to us here at the Chronicle that the powers of three of the Elite Force of Britain are being used: Crimson Songbird’s warbling in Peru; Bettystretch’s stretching ability in South Africa; and Firetop’s heat control powers in Iceland. Why they are in those places remains as much a mystery as why the superheroes disappeared in the first place, but if they are where the stories are filtering through from, it means that the superheroes are here on Earth with us. Hidden, and appearing as ghosts or apparitions, but they are here.

Supervillains United have discounted these reports as fake news, and dismissed them as fireside ghost stories.

The team here at the Chronicle feel otherwise, and hope that these reports are the start of the return of the Elite Force of Britain.


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The Superhero Diaries 4.6: Corporate Support

The Elite Force of Britain: a group of superheroes who joined together to eradicate problem after problem. Recently, the team appear to have disappeared from the face of the planet – from the Universe, in fact! The despicable supervillain organisation Supervillains United have noticed this and have taken matters into their own hands with one goal in mind: world domination. People everywhere are now starting to demand the superheroes’ return following an open letter sent to the EFB by a child named Emily last week. Here are some of the letters from companies willing to share their concerns:

Dear Emily,
We too anxiously await the return of the superheroes.
We have found that superheroes aren’t necessarily people who possess remarkable abilities, but rather people who use whatever abilities they have, great or small, for the good of all.
Normal, everyday people can be, and are, superheroes. Although with the onslaught of the current super-powered supervillains we ordinary people are somewhat powerless to stop them, we do have one thing which will, in the end, defeat them.
That one thing is HOPE.
We join you in the hope that our superheroes return very soon.
Kind Regards,
Scott Urban (aged 45) and the rest of the UrbanArtiz team.

Dear Superheroes,
As a company that has been on the receiving end of despicable and frustrating antics from a variety of supervillains and the dastardly Supervillains United supergroup, we add our voice to the growing number of frustrated citizens waiting for the urgent return of our missing superheroes.
We wait to see you in our skies, on our roads, in our waters, and on our televisions (properly) once again.
The Sunbottle Labelling Company (A part of AMCE Industries)

Dear Emily and Tiddle’s,
We were moved by your open letter that had been so callously discarded last week, we had to write.
Like you, we need our superheroes to return, and like you we want them back as soon as possible.
We at Spark’s Electrical Goods have had a long association with the Elite Force of Britain, and are waiting to hear of their return.
Thank you,
Mr Sparks

My Dear EFB,
We at Hemingway’s Quality Tailors and Cleaners are proud to have been serving you, our most excellent superheroes since you formed as a team all those years ago. We hope you are well, and upon your return will be delighted to share with you our latest special offers on repairs and costume amendments, should you require them – as always, discretion is assured.
Please return soon (we are currently working a three day week and have had to lay off two staff, so your absence is definitely being felt here).
See you VERY soon,
Charles T. Hemingway and Sons

Dear Elite Force of Britain,
We at the Pyramid have been rescued many times by your members, either individually, or in a group, and really appreciate all of the help you have given us.
Our door security will be the first to admit that they are no match for some of the supervillain clientele who call in here every now and then, so we look forward to your return.
When you do, please call in and we will extend Happy Hour to Happy Saturday in your honour.
Please return soon.
The Management and Staff at The Pyramid

 


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The Superhero Diaries 4.4: Teamwork

The Elite Force of Britain: a group of superheroes who joined together to eradicate problem after problem. Recently, the team have been somewhat otherwise engaged. Some are now speculating missing in action. Rumours had it that some superheroes were off-world on a secret mission – a fact now seemingly discounted by N.A.S.A. (the North Atlantic Spaceways Agency; they always get confused with the other NASA) other folk say the superheroes are busy dealing with more home-grown issues. Wherever they are, the lack of superheroes hasn’t gone unnoticed by the dastardly Supervillains United who are having themselves a field day. And so is the world’s media, looking at these clippings found in a hastily discarded scrapbook:

 

The Overthrower and The Tickler Torment the Tennis

The Up Lawn Tennis Association has been plunged into chaos as two formidable members of Supervillains United wreak havoc upon the men’s doubles. The Overthrower overthrew the umpire and began directing the game in process and The Tickler completely spoiled play by causing all four players and six ball boys to hysterically pound the ground in laughter due to his Multi Pronged Tickler. Whilst all eyes were on the unsportsmanlike display on the court, off the court henchmen helped themselves to the dignitaries’ wallets and jewels.

Two-Oh Duo and Pinchem Mob Ride High


The Self-proclaimed Seven Sods stole the show literally at the Mid Monster Truck Rally this weekend, as each one of this unfortunate banding of baddies made their escape with seven of the eight showpiece vehicles. They made sure nobody could use the eighth either by gluing SVU flyers all over the windscreen – with superglue to boot. Organisers and sponsors alike were less than thrilled.

HeroX and Szikik Redirect Motorway Traffic Down a Country Lane


Frustration, anger and an annoyed herd of cows met commuters during Monday Morning’s rush-hour traffic. Road Closed signs diverted traffic off an already congested M6 and then proceeded to direct them into a single lane country road where the first few motorists found themselves stopped by a herd of angry cows. With no way forward and no way to turn, the four-mile long line of cars and lorries had to wait for hours for the cars to be removed, and then wait for further directions to get back to the motorway. The reason for this mis-direction? The pairing of HeroX and Szikik needed to stop a fleet of armoured cars delivering new pound coins to banks around the country and help themselves to the newly minted coins.

Dawn the Vampire and The Pumpkin Dance by Moonlight


Blackchester residents witnessed the most unusual pairing of the Vampire, Dawn, dressed in a red velvet frock dancing a moonlit tango with The Pumpkin, in top hat and tails, outside the Pyramid Lounge. They’d just scooped themselves a prize by stealing artworks from the Victorian Museum, and were celebrating their achievements in broad moonlight. The dancing wasn’t the odd thing, however. The Pumpkin was last seen in 1924.

A separate clipping wasn’t as attached as securely as the others, perhaps because it focussed more on the superheroes?

Editor’s Thoughts


This is now getting beyond a joke. Our police forces are doing all they can when they can, but with the supervillains running amok there isn’t much more that can be done, apart from the public uprising themselves, which isn’t really a good idea looking at the smug attitudes of the villainous team-ups taking place. We need our superheroes to return. And fast. The question, though, is where are they?


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The Superhero Diaries 4.3: Regretfully Yours

The Elite Force of Britain: a group of superheroes who joined together to solve one problem and decided to stick together to solve many. Lately, however, the team have been elsewhere. Some superheroes are on an important mission on a planet far, far away, and others are dealing with more home-grown issues. Due to this lack in superheroes, the despicable Supervillains United have taken the opportunity to strike.
Speculation is running high that the superheroes’ return is imminent, so the SVU are swiftly undertaking a recruitment campaign to swell their number.

The even more despicable Dropped Apostrophe is in charge of recruitment. And he is ‘roofless’ as he occasionally describes himself. A rejection letter has been delivered to a wannabe new member, it appears the applicant’s name had been deliberately left off the letter.

Dear

Thank you for your recent request to join Supervillain’s United (you’re only true supervillain group).

Regretfully at this time, we are unable to offer you a permanent place within our membership.

Our background cheques have revealed that you were once saved by a member of the Elite Farce of Britain, and as such we deem you to be more loyal to their cause than hours.

If, however, you choose to persew further your request to join are ranks, please fill out another form and get it back to us, wear we can cheque you agane.

Regretfully Your’s,

The Dropped Apostrophe UPR CSE cmma FLSTP

Designated Commander Recruitment Division