The Superhero Diaries 1.7: Headline News

The Elite Force of Britain, other superheroes, and other similar folk, occasionally make stories that appear in newspapers. Some newspapers, however, have rather a biased view on events as they happen. Some even seem to find the work that superheroes do is more of a hindrance than a help and don’t report on the exact facts correctly. Here are a few examples. (Please note that the names of the newspapers have been left out deliberately because of free advertising reasons)

Thieves struck in the early hours of Wednesday morning at the Grand Museum on the High Street. They’d been able to bypass the main door guards by using sleeping gas on them, and had even managed to pass through the state of the art laser-beam alarm system. Their only target was a range of bottom casts, provided by members of the super hero group The Elite Force of Britain, for an art project for UrbanArtiz, a local art and production company. They’d completely smashed the glass moulding of Muriel Magnificent’s bottom, leaving a crude, hand-written drawing of what looked like a pair of ear-rings and the letters L.O.L. They stuck a geranium plant on top of the battered steel model of Viridian’s bottom, and left a large gaping hole where Aquatom’s marble bottom used to be. They never touched Betty Stretch or Lycra Lad’s bottoms. Another sinister note which merely said “Your … is mine” was also left at the scene. The Elite Force of Britain is investigating this incident, and as yet has declined to comment. The museum curator, Emily Splagg, said she was shocked by the events. “Who’d want to pinch someone’s bottom?” She said, tongue-in-cheek.

Bumbling superfreak, the Lycra Lad, has destroyed the town’s last remaining statue from the eleventh century. The Unique Horn pure marble priceless piece of ancient art was destroyed by the hapless hero during a battle with the Two-Oh Duo. According to our hero, he’d been knocked unconscious, gagged, bound and then tied to the structure. When he came to his senses, he used his ‘natural’ ability to ‘morph’ his ties and ended up destroying the piece of art instantly. Within seconds he fled the scene, apparently running after his ‘criminals’.

She’s been seen flirting with almost every person on the planet. She’s been photographed in some controversial situations with The Firetop. She’s been romantically linked with The Great Overthrower, the alleged mastermind behind the almost impossible fabulous bottom heist. Now, it looks as though she has got herself another man, the suave Tickler. Tickler, 43, and Parrotgirl were spotted entering an Amce factory separately on Thursday night. The Tickler arrived first, at 10.30pm. Ten minutes later, Parrotgirl arrived on her Parrot-scooter. It appears they were there all night, as our expert eyewitness never saw them leave.
Herbert Graham Laughter, the manager of the factory that was used for the illicit goings-on said his office was completely trashed. Mr Laughter, also 43, said “there were feathers everywhere. The cleaning team even refused to clean the office, so I had to do it myself. There should be a law to stop these so-called super heroes from doing just what they want, when they want. I’m getting a campaign up.”
Do you have any photos of Parrotgirl with the Tickler, or anyone else for that matter? Send a copy to our newsdesk, and we’ll be sure to pass them on to Mr Laughter’s campaign.

Masked vigilante, The Puddleton Protector, caused outrage yesterday, Thursday, by holding up the traffic on Acacia Avenue. He was supposedly keeping drivers from harm as, he said, a battle was taking place in one of the cul-de-sacs off Acacia Avenue. Local residents interviewed have said they have seen nothing that would indicate a ‘battle’ taking place anywhere. Here are a few comments:
Mrs Bliggs, from Rome Place: I was at work and never saw anything.
Mr Brown, also from Rome Place: I was doing the garden out back, and noticed that I couldn’t hear the traffic on the main road. I could hear nothing to indicate a battle
Mr Green, from Redstone Place: I saw some of the EFB earlier on, looking for something, but they were in a hurry. Most definitely they were not in battle!
Joyce Angell, 67, from Rome Place: What nonsense!
When asked, the Puddleton Protector said that as he and his colleagues were currently working on a case of significant security issues, he couldn’t discuss it further. He added that they would only stop traffic if it was deemed absolutely necessary and in this case it was. Public safety is of their highest concern.
Motoring organisations and the local council said traffic did not get back to normal until five hours later. A council spokesman, who does not wish to be named, said he’d missed his lunch due to the chaos the holdup caused.

We have been asked to apologise to the superhero, Viridian. We claimed in a recent article that evidence had come to light that Viridian was actually an alien and he was the first of an invading force, pretending to be here on the side of justice. We also wrote that he uses unknown substances to give him his powers, substances supplied by Parrot Girl. And in a third article, we wrote that Viridian has used his ‘abilities’ to enhance the abilities of two other superheroes, Lycralad and Bettystretch246.
We wrote the articles in good faith, based on information provided to us by various residents and dignitaries of the town.
All claims have now been deemed untrue by the Court of the Land, and we unreservedly apologise to Viridian and his colleagues if our articles caused any embarrassment.