Sometimes, days are just plain sailing. Up early(ish), breakfasted, dressed, and out and on with the rest of the day, and in what seems like a flash the day is coming to an end once again.
Most days, it could be said, are generally like that.
Some days, however, are so far removed from the truth; they are, well, unbelievable. Iโm not so sure about this particular day. I donโt know whether it is believable or not now. Iโm so confused; even I donโt know what was happening.
The day had begun like any other, when suddenly a stranger had burst into my Mansion, opened a black hole in my bathroom, altered reality and had somehow lured me from Cheshire, through Somerset, into an office building in the United States of America. It took me about an hour or so to get there… and I had driven the whole way.
The stranger was no longer strange. He was a man with a โuniqueโ accent, shall we say. Walpole E. Epstein was his name, and he worked for some organisation called the American Institute for Metaphysical Studies, A.I.F.M.S for short.
And he was about to explain what had actually been going on.
โThis morning,โ he started, โDo you remember, Tom, when I said that you could help me, and I in fact could help you?โ
I vaguely remembered something like that, but said a confident yet enquiring โYesโ.
โWell,โ Walpole continued, โThis is now me helping you. You helped to get me home, here to the US of A, through the inter-dimensional portal that runs through your bathroom.โ
โYes, Iโve gathered that,โ I said. I needed answers, but didnโt want to go through the whole story again.
โHowever,โ Walpoleโs face became serious once more. Have you noticed how people become more serious when they say however? Anyway, I digress, moving on…
โHowever, we altered reality. Bent time and space. Moulded the Universe in ways it shouldnโt have been moulded.โ
โYes, I know that…โ I said, remembering the Cheshire-Somerset-USA borders.
โWe now need to get you back home.โ Walpoleโs face was deadpan.
โI was home. Iโd left there this morning, and drove a different way thatโs all. I know the way home โ itโs just back along that road, turn right where the manโs selling apples, and then turn left a little further along. I know the way!โ
โYou know the altered reality wayโ Walpole smiled again. โNot the correct way.โ
โOhโ I was confused again. Have you ever been lost and not known it? A very weird sensation, I can tell you.
โWe had to get you here, at this time, so we can send you through the portal and put things right. We โpointedโ you in the right direction with the broken signpostโ
I remembered the fork in the road with the signpost, neither of which should have been there. The signpost pointed to Meringue, a place Iโd never heard of either. I decided to follow the road and see where it led to, not necessarily to head into Meringue, but curiosity got the better of me.
Walpole was tapping something into his handheld computer.
โWe need things to go full circle. We need to send you through the portal, back into your bathroom to this morning. We told you what to do through the signpost. It was meant especially for you. The thing is you didnโt realise.โ
โEh?โ I said.
โYou still donโt realise. Even when you knocked on this office door, the clues were still there, but you didnโt get them.โ
โOK, Walpole. It may be months in the future for you, but itโs still this morning for me. Iโm confused enough already, so could you explain the clues for me?โ I was actually surprised my sentence made some kind of sense.
โCertainly!โ Walpole laughed again. โPlease, answer these questions… itโs more fun this way!โ
I nodded.
โWhat begins with an upper case M in your world? A capital letter M?โ
I couldnโt think. โMy Mansion?โ I asked, as I almost always usually use the capital M.
โWell, yes… but something else. Something you use most days, with more than one capital M for that matter.โ
I couldnโt get it. โPass!โ I said, pretending I was on a game show.
โAnother clue… your blog!โ Walpole looked at me as though he had given the whole game away.
โMe?โ I asked. โMe! Me! Me me me!โ I said for good measure.
โYes!โ Walpole clapped โBut only one โMeโ!โ
I imagined the header to my blog with only one โMeโ up there, and decided that I wouldnโt change it just yet.
โThe next clue,โ Walpole was loving this, โWhat is the phrase when you start something, and then go right the way round, back to the beginning again?โ
โGoing full circle?โ I asked, inspired.
โCorrect! What shape is a circle?โ
โEr… circular?โ I kid you not, he asked that question.
Walpole shouted โTHINK!โ and then lowered his voice again. โWhat can you describe as circular?โ
โA ball?โ I asked.
โNo no no no, a ballโs round, not circular. Try again.โ
โA ring?โ I asked again.
โYES!โ Walpole was jumping up and down.
A wind was starting to get up in the office, but the window wasnโt open.
โIgnore the wind โ itโs just the portal opening.โ Walpole had gone all serious again. โYou want to know how we managed to get you here. We left you clues that you followed. You picked up on them without realising, which is brilliant! Me! Ring! And UE. I love that one. We played a blinder with that one. We let you know that everything was a clue by the number to this office.โ
I thought back to the sign on the door. CL1. Iโd been following signs all morning, not paying any attention to them. CL and UE make the word CLUE. I was very pleased with myself and shouted โCLUE!โ
โNo, we were playing with that one!โ Walpole laughed again, as several sheets of paper swirled around him because of the wind. โHold your shield in front of you, the portal will be open soon, and it will help you on the way through. Donโt worry, itโs perfectly safe. Youโre the key and thatโs the keyhole if you like. Youโre about to relock reality back to how it should be.โ
โBut the clue…โ I wanted to know. โIf it wasnโt clue, what is it?โ
โAh… UE…โ Walpole drummed his fingers together as a stapler narrowly missed his head. โUE is an abbreviation for Urban Exploration… which means investigating the normally unseen or off-limits parts of urban areas or industrial facilities… which you did by investigating the reality that shouldnโt exist. We doubted youโd get that, hence the CL on the door for good measure.โ
The black hole was now open, and I could feel its pull.
โJust go with the flow!โ Walpole shouted. โOnce youโre through, none of this would have happened. I wonโt exist. I told you that I wasnโt here this morning. Your shield will be the only thing that will connect this reality and yours, so take care of it… itโs our gift to you!โ
โBut wait โ itโs my shield!โ I proclaimed as I started to slide along the floor.
โIt is now!โ Walpole laughed. I could hear his voice gradually fade into the background with all the commotion from the black hole that was going on around me. His last words that I heard were โThatโs the nature of a paradoxโ…
I hurtled out of the other end of the black hole, into the wall of my landing. The shield was on top of me, and something was rather uncomfortably sticking in my stomach. It was a tub of hair gel. I was back home in the Mansion. It was 7am.
There was a strong rapping at the door. I thought for a second, and decided to leave it. A second later I heard a parcel being pushed through the letterbox, with what sounded like some difficulty.
I decided to go back to bed for an hour or so, it had been one very strange morning. I never did get to see Meringue, yet in a roundabout way I almost did. Imagine if I hadnโt followed the sign and taken the shortcut… who knows where I would have ended up…
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