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The Superhero Diaries 1.7: Headline News

The Elite Force of Britain, other superheroes, and other similar folk, occasionally make stories that appear in newspapers. Some newspapers, however, have rather a biased view on events as they happen. Some even seem to find the work that superheroes do is more of a hindrance than a help and don’t report on the exact facts correctly. Here are a few examples. (Please note that the names of the newspapers have been left out deliberately because of free advertising reasons)

Aquatom's Bottom Pinched

Thieves struck in the early hours of Wednesday morning at the Grand Museum on the High Street. They’d been able to bypass the main door guards by using sleeping gas on them, and had even managed to pass through the state of the art laser-beam alarm system. Their only target was a range of bottom casts, provided by members of the super hero group The Elite Force of Britain, for an art project for UrbanArtiz, a local art and production company. They’d completely smashed the glass moulding of Muriel Magnificent’s bottom, leaving a crude, hand-written drawing of what looked like a pair of ear-rings and the letters L.O.L. They stuck a geranium plant on top of the battered steel model of Viridian’s bottom, and left a large gaping hole where Aquatom’s marble bottom used to be. They never touched Betty Stretch or Lycra Lad’s bottoms. Another sinister note which merely said “Your … is mine” was also left at the scene. The Elite Force of Britain is investigating this incident, and as yet has declined to comment. The museum curator, Emily Splagg, said she was shocked by the events. “Who’d want to pinch someone’s bottom?” She said, tongue-in-cheek.

Lycra Lad Destroys Ancient Statue

Bumbling superfreak, the Lycra Lad, has destroyed the town’s last remaining statue from the eleventh century. The Unique Horn pure marble priceless piece of ancient art was destroyed by the hapless hero during a battle with the Two-Oh Duo. According to our hero, he’d been knocked unconscious, gagged, bound and then tied to the structure. When he came to his senses, he used his ‘natural’ ability to ‘morph’ his ties and ended up destroying the piece of art instantly. Within seconds he fled the scene, apparently running after his ‘criminals’.

Parrotgirl and the Tickler: A Modern Day Romance

She’s been seen flirting with almost every person on the planet. She’s been photographed in some controversial situations with The Firetop. She’s been romantically linked with The Great Overthrower, the alleged mastermind behind the almost impossible fabulous bottom heist. Now, it looks as though she has got herself another man, the suave Tickler. Tickler, 43, and Parrotgirl were spotted entering an Amce factory separately on Thursday night. The Tickler arrived first, at 10.30pm. Ten minutes later, Parrotgirl arrived on her Parrot-scooter. It appears they were there all night, as our expert eyewitness never saw them leave.
Herbert Graham Laughter, the manager of the factory that was used for the illicit goings-on said his office was completely trashed. Mr Laughter, also 43, said “there were feathers everywhere. The cleaning team even refused to clean the office, so I had to do it myself. There should be a law to stop these so-called super heroes from doing just what they want, when they want. I’m getting a campaign up.”
Do you have any photos of Parrotgirl with the Tickler, or anyone else for that matter? Send a copy to our newsdesk, and we’ll be sure to pass them on to Mr Laughter’s campaign.

Traffic Problems: Council Blame the EFB

Masked vigilante, The Puddleton Protector, caused outrage yesterday, Thursday, by holding up the traffic on Acacia Avenue. He was supposedly keeping drivers from harm as, he said, a battle was taking place in one of the cul-de-sacs off Acacia Avenue. Local residents interviewed have said they have seen nothing that would indicate a ‘battle’ taking place anywhere. Here are a few comments:
Mrs Bliggs, from Rome Place: I was at work and never saw anything.
Mr Brown, also from Rome Place: I was doing the garden out back, and noticed that I couldn’t hear the traffic on the main road. I could hear nothing to indicate a battle
Mr Green, from Redstone Place: I saw some of the EFB earlier on, looking for something, but they were in a hurry. Most definitely they were not in battle!
Joyce Angell, 67, from Rome Place: What nonsense!
When asked, the Puddleton Protector said that as he and his colleagues were currently working on a case of significant security issues, he couldn’t discuss it further. He added that they would only stop traffic if it was deemed absolutely necessary and in this case it was. Public safety is of their highest concern.
Motoring organisations and the local council said traffic did not get back to normal until five hours later. A council spokesman, who does not wish to be named, said he’d missed his lunch due to the chaos the holdup caused.

Viridian: An Apology

We have been asked to apologise to the superhero, Viridian. We claimed in a recent article that evidence had come to light that Viridian was actually an alien and he was the first of an invading force, pretending to be here on the side of justice. We also wrote that he uses unknown substances to give him his powers, substances supplied by Parrot Girl. And in a third article, we wrote that Viridian has used his ‘abilities’ to enhance the abilities of two other superheroes, Lycralad and Bettystretch246.
We wrote the articles in good faith, based on information provided to us by various residents and dignitaries of the town.
All claims have now been deemed untrue by the Court of the Land, and we unreservedly apologise to Viridian and his colleagues if our articles caused any embarrassment.

The Superhero Diaries 1.6: All in a day’s work

The Elite Force of Britain have a limitless amount of cash to spend, which really comes in handy with some of their day to day activities. This is page three of a cash breakdown report obtained from the EFB’s Petty Cash department:

Cost of repair to broken window: £650.00
Muriel Magnificent threw the Overthrower backwards through a double-fronted shop window, smashing both panes of glass and splintering the woodwork

Mr Sparks, manager of the shop, Spark’s Electrical Goods, said he would have settled the bill himself seeing that Muriel Magnificent had rescued his pet cat the week before, and it was an accident the Overthrower hit his window, but decided to let the EFB pay after his daughter convinced him otherwise.

Cost of repairs to wing mirrors on thirty vehicles: £1,500.00
Chasing the Pinchem Mob up Upper Tulip Place in the FireEngine, The Firetop accidentally smashed the mirrors off fifteen cars parked along the narrow road, on either side. Firetop has written to all of the owners of the vehicles he could find, to apologise for this minor inconvenience, but left special EFB stickers on the windscreens of the vehicles whose owners he couldn’t find.

Cost of rebuilding the Uniqueorn Structure, in the town centre: £35,000.00 (£50,000)
Lycralad had been captured and bound and gagged, and tied up to the monument with reinforced lycra ties. Using his lycra morphing abilities, he managed to escape from his predicament, but his special power caused a devastating chain reaction within the statue, and it, well exploded into thousands of tiny shards. The new structure looks far better, and is Lycralad friendly! An extra £15,000.00 was donated to the artist, Vladimir Mirage, for his help in re-designing the monument.

Cost of new Stealth Aircraft: $1.5 billion (cost to EFB $0.5 billion)
The Stealth Gentleman and Viridian destroyed a test Stealth Aircraft by using it to plug an erupting volcano on a small island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, much to the dismay of a couple of local governments. This cost doesn’t solely come out of the EFB’s Petty Cash box, but the local government who requested the help will be paying for a third, as will the aircraft builders themselves for all of the advertising they got out of the whole situation. We are still working on terms for this payment.

Cost of dry-cleaning: £250.00
Specialist cleaning is required for Invisible Charlie’s uniform at Hemingway’s, £100.00. Psychic Sue needed ink removing from her uniform after her battle with the Octolord; Hemingway’s again, £75.00. Muriel Magnificent’s cardigan: £15.00. And the curtains in the EFB main meeting room were cleaned for £60.00.

Cost of spare headset for the Psychic Recorder: £18.00 (£50.00)
Bought three as they were on offer, three for £50.00.

The Superhero Diaries 1.5: Social Media Freaks

Taken from a recent evening conversation on the social media übersite, UMetroNetworkMediaK, or UMNMK for short. This is the end of a conversation between members of the Elite Force of Britain:

btw Did you see doctor who Parrot Girl?

No, missed it. I was out with Firetop and Invisible Charlie looking for Muriel. Where were you?
I was helping Patricia Power locate some Crystal of Clarity down in the Sewers of Doom at Blackpool

Is that the new ride?
Nah – I wish LOL! – No we were actually in the sewers looking for a bright orange crystal that she’s been dreaming about for months. It st
Did you get Mutiel?

Oh, you’re on holiday this week, I forgot! No, we were at the deserted factory following a lead. Viridian and Psychic Sue found her in the bas

ement where the Overthrower had left her. She said she’d rushed in to the building but he’d caught her off guard and sprayed her with some s

leeping gas. She was well away when they found her, and missed all of her texts. Her cardigan was ruined.
Oh no, not the yellow one! She loved that one. She’ll have a score to settle now with the Overthrower. Remember her ear rings? LOL
Will you be joining the team soon? I know Hothead wants you to join

Hothead will be after you for typing that you know! I don’t mind helping out, but I’m not ready for joining the EFB just yet!
You should! You fit in really well with the group. Well, most of us. You don’t need to worry about the Stealth Gentleman – he’s like that with e

I’ll think about it. Gotta go now, the milk’s boiling over. See you next week!
See you next week, Parrots.
Muriel Magnificent:
Lycralad it wasn’t my favourite cardigan – it was the blue one, the one you didn’t like.
Oh hi M – have you been waiting long? Great news about your cardigan!
Muriel Magnificent:
Thought you’d be pleased. No, just logged on. The phone lines are quiet tonight. Do you know who Herox is? He’s chatting to me on my s
Muriel Magnificent:
Herox? Nope. Never heard of him. He’s probably one of those out of that hero scholarship thingy. What’s he saying?
Muriel Magnificent:
Nothing much really, just general chatter. You don’t really get a good conversation on these things, especially when you type with one fing
Muriel Magnificent:
er like I do. And all these breaks get on my wick. No wonder the phones are quite tonight. Everyone’s on here.
Muriel Magnificent:
bothering blisters *quiet*
Hang on – Herox rings a bell with me now, M, don’t know where from. See if you can find out.
Muriel Magnificent:
Hotline’s ringing Lycralad, I have a call to attend to. See you when you’re back in next week! Mx
Muriel Magnificent/END
Must go myself now – I’ve been on here for hours and my phone battery’s almost dead. And I need to go to the shop. Bye.

The Superhero Diaries 1.4: All good plans?

From the diary of the Elite Force of Britain:

Those pesky supervillains are up to something again. Not only have they joined forces themselves – when working on their own they are bad enough – they have managed to get themselves a brand new, state of the art headquarters, with all kinds of equipment to help them in their quest to, well, rule the world.

One of these new-fangled pieces of equipment is an Amce Blueprint Maker. Amce is a major international company set up by ‘colleagues’ of the sinister Overthrower. Amce present themselves as a light-hearted, almost comical company, but their despicable connections are known to superheroes all around the world.

This isn’t the only company to be involved in this kind of ‘work’, but recently they have been seen as being the one that is most involved.

The Amce Blueprint Maker is unique in the fact that it can send colour faxes and emails of the blueprints it creates at the touch of a button. Unfortunately, the blueprints do not contain the plans of what the supervillains are planning.

This fax came through to the Elite Force of Britain’s fax machine with no covering note, no reply telephone number, and no indication as to what the supervillains are planning.

Two stars are featured on the plan, numbered one and two. The plan is of the fourth floor of the Sunbottle Labelling Company’s offices, which in itself is strange as there are only three floors in this building. The plan also features the board room, quite prominently, and a lift shaft is also highlighted.

Using the powers of deduction, one would assume that the supervillains are planning something that will lead them to the corner of the board room, to a safe perhaps? But when you consider there are only three floors in the building, their plans are flawed already.

Of course, they may be setting a trap, which is what supervillains very often like to do for superheroes. Not that they are predictable or anything, it is just a known fact. Why else would they fax a secret plan over to the EFB if it wasn’t a plan to get the heroes to go en masse to the Sunbottle building?

The fax came through when Muriel Magnificent was manning the phone lines, who, coincidentally (?) is the Overthrower’s biggest rival. Muriel instantly took off in response to the fax, and she has yet to call in with her regular update when on a mission.

She is now four hours overdue.

We are upgrading ourselves to an amber priority. An emergency signal has been sent out to all members of the EFB to report to headquarters as soon as possible.

We have a plan ourselves to come up with.

The Superhero Diaries 1.3: Invisible Patchwork

Invisible Charlie has the ability to ‘blend into the background’ if he needs to. He has control over some materials around him, but not every one.

Recently, he noticed a small hole in his trouser leg, and visited various tailors to see if they could help with the repair. He received only one reply by letter.

Charles T. Hemingway and Sons
Quality Tailors; Quality Cleaners

Dear Mr Invisible Charlie,

Thank you for your recent, rather unusual enquiry.

I am sorry to inform you that we have been unable to find an exact match to the material used in your trousers.

We have obtained something quite similar in colour, but unfortunately without the invisible blending ability of your garment.

We will, of course be able to repair the damage to the trousers invisibly, but when you use your abilities the patch will remain visible.

We sincerely apologise for being unable to fulfil your request at this time.

Please accept, as a token of goodwill, our offer of free dry-cleaning for any one garment when you bring three others for our Premium Dry-Cleaning Service (available Monday – Friday 8am until 12noon, ready in 48 hours.)

We appreciate your custom, and hope to be of better service for you again in the future.

Yours Sincerely,

C.T.Hemingway and Sons