Dear Universe,

It’s only me!

I’m having a sideways swipe at things that currently irk me, and wonder if there is anything that you could do about it for me? I’d be ever so grateful, as you know.

Firstly, the roads.

I’m sure you’ve seen me bouncing along on them, ricocheting between potholes. You must be able to feel the pain in my neck that occurs every time the front passenger wheel  hits that rather large pothole. I would imagine this is how whiplash feels, only not as constant. Could you arrange for some roadworks, cones, temporary traffic lights and contraflows so the roads can be resurfaced? That would be wonderful! Thank you.

And while I’m on the subject of pains in the neck, could you do something about the number of dillops who are using the road now? Every time I drive I have some impatient buffoon trying to push me along the road by driving within an inch of my rear bumper. I  know I shouldn’t, but I slow down so they can drive even closer if they wish, but somehow this seems to make them more irritated by me. I do love it when they eventually speed passed me, only to be stopped just ahead by the red traffic light you provide… that’s inspired, that is, Universe!

Oh, and please pass my thanks on to the ‘lady-like’ dillop in the blue car – through a dream perhaps – who flicked two fingers up at me as I drove passed her when she was stuck due to her lane’s traffic light being red and mine green (after she raced passed me earlier) – she gave me a good old chuckle! (Although I somehow don’t think that was her intention)

Next, the weather.

I do love the weather. I really do. I like the sunshine, the rain, the snow, the wind, the hailstone, the thunder and lightning, the fog, everything. But could you please spread them out a little and not provide them all in one day? There’s an old saying that goes:

Don’t cast a clout until May’s out

But we’re now in June and that clout casting still hasn’t started yet!

And thirdly, my television.

As you know, I had to buy myself another television the other day, after my previous one switched off by itself, and as it doesn’t have an on/off switch I couldn’t switch it back on again. I’m happy with my new television, which has surprised me by coming with several High Definition channels which I didn’t know about, but I was also happy with my old one until it took matters into its own hands. I’m not complaining about the television, but asking that you pass a message on to the TV manufacturers that, really, TV sets should still come with an on/off switch, no matter what century we are now living in.

As you can see, I’m mostly happy with things, but there are a just a few areas that could be tidied up a little which would make me even happier.

Oh, and if you aren’t aware, I call any road user who drives in a disrespectful manner a dillop. There are literally hundreds of them on the roads if you need to look for an example. (I may even be a dillop at times, but I can assure you, I’m a really bad example of one!)

Thank you for your time, and I hope you will be able to help me once again.

Kind regards,

Tom.