I’m not Superman

I may be faster than a speeding bullet when I go shopping.

I may be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound when I’m fast asleep in bed.

I can not see through lead. I also can’t see through wood, paper, metal, muddy water, leaves, and windows that haven’t been cleaned, but I can see those Magic Eye pictures; although just between you and me we can keep that between ourselves!

I have been known to lift cars with my bare hands.

I’ve been known to fly through the air without help (apart from whatever it was that I actually tripped over!) or a safety net.

I don’t wear a uniform. I don’t get changed in telephone boxes. OK, I have wore uniforms in the past, and I did get changed in a telephone box once …but it was an emergency.

I have arch-enemies for some reason. Or at least I think I do. Maybe I don’t, but because I think I do, maybe I do… hmmm…

So there’s proof that I’m not Superman. You don’t have to believe me. Look at these points:

Like Superman, I have weaknesses. Jelly Babies, Fuzzy Snakes, Wraps, Spaghetti Bolognaise and Garlic Bread are my main weaknesses. I feel forced to make sure nothing is left when I am confronted by them. Which, I add hastily, is never at the same time. I’m sure my arch-enemies try to lure me into a trap with them. They never do.

Like Superman, I have an alter ego. My alter ego has an alter ego. This alter ego has an alter ego. And on and on it goes. Some mornings I wake up and wonder just who I am. Especially if I overdid it the night before with two portions of Spag Bol and GB. Usually, I’m just me. The man behind the man behind Aquatom1968.

Like Superman, I end up in the most bizarre of situations. I’ve been trapped in the wrong doorway; stuck in a haunted lift; been so engrossed in a conversation when driving, I missed the motorway exit and didn’t realise until I was halfway up towards Scotland; I’ve had my knees wrapped around my ears whilst weight training; I’ve been puzzling over a question for the answer to literally appear out of thin air in front of me; and I saw an equilateral triangle in a vision when I went to the dentist.

Like Superman, I’m focussed on what I do and have no time for love. OK, I know Superman has time for love, but I am pointing out the differences, not the similarities.

Like Superman, I look good in blue. As long as my blue is long and baggy. Anything tight on me would look a little ridiculous to be honest. Especially when I’m flying, or using my super-speed. Then red is more my colour.

Like Superman, I have heat vision. Usually in the morning when I first wake up. The burning tends to go away after a few blinks.

Like Superman I have super hearing. In my left ear. My right ear isn’t super. I’d be called ‘Goodman’ (if I was Superman) and my name was based on my right ear hearing ability.

Like Superman, I have a super pet. Spudley the Cat. She isn’t my pet, but she visits every day and has a super purr. And a super claw. And super teeth.

Like Superman, I live in the real world. Just in a different Universe to everyone else.

But, sorry to be the bearer of bad news. Just in case the clues above weren’t enough, I’m not Superman. I’m Wonder Woman.