My Inner Fred

I can not deny things any longer. I have been infected. I have become one of the type of beings everyone secretly dreads becoming. I am no longer in control of my senses. I have unleashed my Inner Fred. Or rather, my Inner Fred has been unleashed.

To be honest, this has absolutely nothing to do with me whatsoever. I am an innocent bystander in this whole sorry affair, while my body – and mind – is taken over in such an uncontrollable fashion, in such an undignified way, in such a shameful example that humanity has to offer. When I’m driving, my Fred bubbles to the surface.

I don’t know where it has all come from. Perhaps it stemmed from this post back in March, when I named this particular aspect of people’s characters ‘Fred’, but it isn’t very nice.

I’ve always felt a little frustrated when driving, particularly at red traffic lights (which I have commented on about a thousand times during the time of this blog), and a little less frustrated in traffic jams. I’m apprehensive when another driver is driving that close behind me, they are practically sitting in my back seat. I’m anxious when a motorist will overtake me on a road with a 30 mile per hour speed limit, at eighty miles an hour (well, that’s how it feels anyway). I’m perplexed when pedestrians walk in the road without a care that they are putting their own lives at risk, and also delaying other road users. And I’m annoyed when thoughtless drivers drive into a box junction when they can see the way ahead is not clear.

Bernard, my nagging inner voice, has always told me to do these annoying things. Drive into that junction and block them in – you know someone will do it to you! He’ll start off with, and then, to make things worse, he’ll say But you won’t do it because you are useless. You are less than useless.

Of course, I don’t listen to Bernard, and drive the way I was taught, almost a century ago (and passed my driving test first time around, I add in a big-headed way!). I stick to the speed limit, carefully observing any hazards that may appear in the road. I’m always waiting at the front of a queue at a set of red traffic lights because I always stop when the lights are on amber. I sit and watch patiently, as all around me other drivers are losing their heads, and their cool, because they are being delayed in the latest traffic jam. I have always been that way.

I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what went wrong. I don’t know when it went wrong. This week, I have been like a man possessed on the road. I’ve jumped a red traffic light (well, it was a second away from changing to red, and where in the past I’d have stopped, I drove on regardless). I pulled out into another lane of traffic because the queue ahead had annoyed me, and I drove on again regardless. The driver in the car that was about three car lengths behind me didn’t like me doing this, and honked their horn at me. Bernard wanted me to gesture something, but I firmly told him to shut up.

I was thinking two things. What had just happened? and what could have happened? If the car was closer, neither of us would have been driving any further along the road. And instead of being stuck in a traffic jam, I’d have probably been the cause of one.

I don’t drive like that. Tiredness is not an excuse. Being late is not an excuse. Wanting to be where I was going is also not an excuse. So why did I do it?

What has changed within me, that has released my Inner Fred, and turned me into this road-raged monster? I can hear Bernard laughing at me as I type this – at least I think it’s Bernard… it may be Fred.

What makes things worse, is that I only have a little car. It’s a fabulous black runabout that zips around the streets with the greatest of ease, but it isn’t a racing car. Which is good, because I’m not your average typical boy racer anyway – I don’t like too much speed.

So, how can a gentle, patient, respectful driver change into a monster with little – or no – provocation?

My nagging inner voice tries to talk me into all sorts of things, which I usually ignore. So that can only mean one thing. I have another nagging inner voice. Only this inner voice is less vocal than Bernard, but also has control of my body… and is, unfortunately, impulsive.

I must learn to keep control of myself from now on when driving. I am disciplined and can do it when I focus, so if I need to concentrate more on my driving style rather than getting from A to B things should improve. I’m asking for help from the universe too, as I feel I need it. I feel as though there is only a small part of me having to fight off two inner demons that want to control me, and take over me. Bernard’s tame. I can handle Bernard most of the time. Fred, however, is devious. Sinister. And secretive.

I have a feeling that if Fred has recruited Bernard to do his bidding, I may be in for a bit of a rocky time whilst driving.

Having said that, though, I am me, as I constantly go on about. My thoughts are part of me, and there are many aspects within me that I can call on to assist me whenever this darkness tries to take over me again. It may appear that I am having an inner dispute with myself, but it is worth it in the long run.

I mean, I’d rather do what is safe and healthy than something impulsive and stupid.

I’m also keeping my eyes open wider for other people who drive in this way (the stupid way), so I can avoid them. If Fred is active, I am open to this sub-conscious suggestion, so I will fall into the same patterns… remember what we think about we bring about.

I want the roads I use to be safe. And that safety must begin with me.

If you are behind me, and I’m holding you up whilst driving at the speed limit, or stopping on an amber traffic light, or not entering a box junction, I’m not doing it to annoy you. I’m hoping that you will realise that I’m driving properly. Safely. Calmly.

Keep Calm and Carry On.