Some of the things that have happened to me are really embarrassing, but they have happened, which is why I’m talking about them. An old friend of mine, who I’ve not seen for ages, said that I am always putting myself down, and seeing myself in a bad light, and maybe at the time I was. Because of the perceptions I have brought with me from what I think has happened to me at school, putting myself down would have stopped other people doing it for me, and if they did, well, I was already down there anyway, and it didn’t matter. I think I was thinking they would take pity on me and not even bother.
I got to a stage whereby if I went out at night, for a drink, I would go to a bar hoping that nobody would be in there, and if they were there, they would leave me alone. I was always friendly to those who spoke to me (well, to those I wanted to be friendly to) but over time, that what I was wanting became my reality. I would be on my own. On the very busy nights, people would leave me on my own, unless they were in the same area as me, and had to be friendly. Yes, some of the regulars would come and go, we’d have a talk and a laugh, but I always liked being in my own space.
I wouldn’t say I deliberately pushed people away, but I did put a barrier around me to make it quite difficult for them to get in. That barrier is still around me today.
I have met some really nice people over the years, and came across others who are nowhere near as pleasant. What I have noticed, is the really nice people are open, chatty, and don’t have any barriers around them that I can see, and the ‘not so nice’ people bring an ‘aura’ of distance around them, kind of ‘don’t mess with me’ kind of thing. I could spot this a mile off, probably because of my own barrier, and probably because I could ‘see’ what they may be capable of. I tended – and tend – to leave this type of person alone. Maybe, they are just like me, and want to be on their own too, but I don’t get involved in criminal activity or threatening behaviour to have my own space. Now, that’s me being judgmental.
So, in the same paragraph I have made myself similar, and also distanced myself from the ‘not very nice’ people. That is because I do not class myself as one of those people, I actually think I’m a nice person. I do have one problem though – letting my barrier down. I must come across as aloof or not very nice to others because of my barrier. See, there I go again, putting myself down. I do let people through my barrier, once we have ‘connected’, but it is getting connected where the problem is.
I want to be by myself, but be friendly and allow people in, but only when I want to let them. I welcome people who I know, and look forward to getting to know new people, but if these new people don’t connect then they are not through the barrier. So I end up being by myself. This is OK, because I wanted it. When a new person does connect, and they are through my barrier, then this is great too. They now become a friend, someone I know. Some people connect instantly, some people connect over time, and others connect, but in some kind of ‘off centre’ way. These people I find I am usually at cross purposes with, so if ever we are talking, we will inevitably find that we are having one conversation about two completely separate things, and not realise it until late into the conversation. Or we’ll interpret something the wrong way. One of my friends, and she was a friend, was in this category. We are both Piscean, so we put this down to what we called the ‘Piscean Effect ©’, two fishes swimming in opposite directions. Because we both understood this effect, we had some laughs at the conversations we had! It is not the same with other Pisceans, though, and I don’t know the astrological sign of everyone I’ve been at cross-purposes with, but it is funny when it happens.
Maybe the Piscean Effect is why so many arguments break out? People not realising they aren’t actually correctly in the flow with the conversation. I’ll have to look into this further, and will publish my findings somewhere!
I’m also going to practise letting my barrier down. Only in ‘safe’ situations to start off with, and gradually increase the time as time goes on. I can have the life of my choosing, and proof of that is contained in this post. I make my own reality, and as much as I like it at present, I can make it even better.
Hang on World… I’m waking up! 🙂