They Arabesque, I Stutter

Adeptly, and with all the grace of a light-footed elephant, I glided around the ice-rink desperate not to lose focus of the mid-height wall that went around the perimeter.

Confidence had gotten the better of me, and I’d ventured into the middle, away from the edge. I clambered along, deftly finding every clump of loosened ice with my razor-sharp blades and stumbling forwards and then stopping falling completely by ramming the heel part of the blade into the ice, creating even more clumps.

I can do this. I willed myself along.  I can do this.

I stretched my back, opened my arms and thrust one leg in front of the other to get my momentum moving forwards. All around me, professional skaters pirouetted, free spinned, moonwalked, and arabesqued as I stuttered.

Over in the far corner, I noticed one of the stewards watching me trudge along. I cringed inwardly. Why on Earth would he be watching me? I thought. Is he a scout, looking for some new ice dancing champion and for some reason I stand out?

Regardless, I tripped my way around the ice-rink, arms flailing. Eventually, I reached the area where the steward stood, and he beckoned me over.

“Yes?” I asked, ready with my answer that I wasn’t really interested in becoming a professional ice dancer. He looked at the top of my head.

“Take that f*****g cap off your head before it comes off and someone breaks their legs.” He said, sternly. Oops. Charming.

I duly did as ordered, although the cap fit quite tightly to my head, and then set off on my one-man mission to make ice-skating an impossible event. As I robotically slid forward, I was putting the folded baseball cap into my inside jacket pocket. I reached the turn, put my left foot down to push myself around, and my right foot caught a larger than normal ice clump.

I tripped. In fact I took off, and flew around that bend far smoother than I had been for the rest of the time on the ice. I landed with a crack. A passing girl – one of the party I was with, coincidentally, and one of the professional pirouetters – fell on top of me, with another crack.

“Oh, how compromising” was all she could say.

The steward, in the meantime had witnessed the whole event. He came over, helped the girl up, and then helped me up and passed me the two pieces of my watch that stayed behind on the ice.

“I’m fine,” I whimpered. “I’m fine.”

I limped off, continuing with my disillusioned crusade to become at least a decent ice skater. That said, I was proud that I’d managed to stay almost upright for the whole duration on the ice. And that I’d flown, but that’s for another post.

The next day, after driving home the night before, the X-ray revealed a small break in my left elbow. If only that steward hadn’t spotted me…

I can laugh at the event now. It’s funny how such things can be laughed at afterwards, but at the time they aren’t anywhere near as funny.

And apologies for any obtuse language you may have spotted during the reading of this post. Although it was added for dramatic effect, it is also a true representation of what was said and used in this context. I do like a dramatic effect every now and then.