The Elite Force of Britain: a team of superheroes who banded themselves together to protect a city from a group of underhanded businessmen who wanted to own the city for themselves. The businessmen dealt with, the superheroes decided to stick together, and call upon each other in times of need, to look after more national interests. Sometimes, those national interests also have to wait for more pressing issues.

This is a copy of a letter delivered to the Top Secret Headquarters which was marked Double-Urgent on the envelope.

Dear EFB,

I’ve been following your activities closely over the past couple of years, and can honestly say that I have absolutely no idea as to who any of you actually are.

I know Muriel Magnificent from that time she got her cardigan snagged on the shop window when she tried to catch those thieves. Whilst some of the customers went to her rescue to free her, the staff apprehended the would-be robbers themselves. Not that I’m  criticising Muriel, it was one of those things that could have happened to anybody.

Invisible Charlie is another who had a uniform malfunction when his boots had been swapped (or he’d put on the wrong pair) and they didn’t turn invisible when he did. I remember finding the video of those two boots walking down the road on their own hilarious.

The Diver has a problem with his un-waterproof uniform.

Viridian and the Green Gladiator clash if they’re on a mission together as the greens of their uniforms seem to merge together. And if they are also accompanied by the Crimson Songbird it’s eye-ache everywhere, as the red and greens severely clash.

Psychic Sue is another like Muriel Magnificent who seems to wear her own clothes, rather than a decent superhero uniform.

The Stealth Gentleman just blends into the background. Yes, I know this is his special power, but he needs to make more of a presence of himself.

Lycralad needs to get better sized clothes. Nobody should be wearing clothes that tight, regardless of how good or not the body looks in them.

The Puddleton Protector and The Firetop wear decent uniforms, I’ll admit, but they could do with a bit of a revamp. We are no longer in the 1930s.

Cloud is grey. Simply put he is. He needs a completely new uniform. A more dynamic presence in fact.

Bettystretch246 needs to drop the number. Who has ever heard of a superhero with a number in their name? And she could do with a new look also. Her sleeves are that baggy with all the stretching she does they could become a hazard in themselves.

Parrot Girl, being honest, should constantly hang around with the two greens and the red eyesores I mentioned earlier if she is going to wear her eye-watering number for much longer.

I may sound as though I’m criticising you all, and I’m not. Really, I’m not. But I feel, for a superhero group that wants to be taken seriously, you should have a good look at your uniforms and present yourselves in a more favourable and memorable way.

Please reply if you would like my help to bring your image, all of your images, into the twenty-first century. I can do a mighty fine deal for each of you, if you’re interested, and at a more reasonable rate than Hemingway’s, the tailors that you normally use.

As I said at the beginning, I don’t really know who any of you really are, but I know a lot about you. And I know where you can improve yourselves immensely.

Yours sincerely,

The Uniformist.


22 thoughts

  1. Man, it’s tough to be a superhero. Not only do you have to save the world, you get criticized if you don’t look good doing it. Then again, I guess the world is a better place for knowing our superheroes won’t show up wearing nothing but baggy underpants with a hole in the seat. 😉


  2. Brilliantly put together Letter Tom.. So what’s the new uniform going to be for this band of super hero’s Tom.. Are you going to be the designer of a Double Zero Breasted Seven buttoned waist coat dickie bowed cocktail dress in olive with a Lemon twist at the side.. Now that would look fetching 🙂 xxx


    1. Me and fashion design aren’t exactly the kind that go together, Sue. In fact, me and fashion sense don’t go together, but that’s another story completely! I shall, however, have a go at designing a fetching superhero uniform… and post it here. But it won’t be straight away…! 😉


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