I’m not confused, I just act that way!

I wouldn’t say that I am the greatest actor in the world. I certainly wouldn’t say that I’m the worst actor in the world either, although I must be pretty close – but, by saying just that am I pretending?

I don’t think I could appear in a blockbuster movie anytime soon, or an episode of Smallville for that matter either (if they decide to make a new series that is – never say never). I won’t be nominated for an Oscar, Bafta, Toma, or any other such award in the next year or so… although I may be discovered and become the next Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie in the next month, my movie career may take off and I’ll be on the front cover of movie and TV listing magazines for the next millennium.

I hope that I’m cast as a superhero. OK, I know it will be a bit of an easy role to play, a bit typecast if I’m honest, but that should make it easier to play. I’ll be able to explain things to the director when they ask me to do something the superhero wouldn’t do. (Speaking of typecasting, I never knew that it is also a form of blogging… well, the words are written on a typewriter and then uploaded onto a blog – it makes sense when you think of it!)

If I can’t be cast as a superhero the production team will probably need changing, but short of stopping millions of people around the world from missing out on a great film, my next perfect movie role would be a vampire. Well, I’ve got vampire blood in me. And I’ve got the teeth. And probably the breath at the moment. And going by how I have been feeling over the past few days I’ve certainly got the undead look. I’ll save millions in make-up alone. My performance will be phenomenal, as it will all be entirely natural. You couldn’t pay anyone to act natural. You just know that someone is acting naturally by the way they are acting. Being natural is completely different to acting natural. Current professional and amateur actors do a really good job of acting natural, I hasten to add before anyone sues me, but they are still acting. I’ll be being!

OK then, if the vampire role has been taken (humph!) I wouldn’t mind being a lizard creature who takes on human form to befriend the human race, but all of humanity turns against him, apart from a small group of people who need lizard man’s help to save the world. Lizard man has to decide whether the people who have become his friends are like the rest of the population and don’t deserve his help, or the actions of the few close people are more than enough for him to act in a positive way. How he acts in the moment will have far reaching consequences on the rest of the world, for the rest of time. Ulp… maybe someone else can have that role. I wonder who’d make a good looking lizard?

Anyway, superheroes, vampires and now lizard men are out of the question. I know! I could play a magical wizard who can travel through time to find out the meaning to a mysterious dream he had which, strangely, linked him to the year 1641. This wizard’s quest takes him through a whole range of situations, where he finds all sorts of amazing facts that have occurred in this one year. Maybe this is a little too far fetched though… no one would believe it. And the research would have to be second to none. And a time travelling wizard? Pah – what was I thinking?

Oh, I know. I could appear in a musical extravaganza. The fact that I sing in a unique way doesn’t matter… they can do wonders with something called Auto-tune nowadays, so I’d be better than pitch perfect. And I would be able to show my prowess at knocking pieces of wood together. And, I could get to play the harp as well (possibly, once again with Auto-tune). The story would have to be something special though. Something no-one would expect. A musical where the main character loses their voice throughout the whole movie. I could play that one really easily… there wouldn’t be many lines to learn at all! And they could then use the Auto-tune on the other actors.

What? That role’s taken as well? That’s not good… What’s my role going to be then? What should I do to put myself on the map? What can I do to make myself shine brighter that anyone else around me? What do I have to do to stand out from all of the rest? What’s that you say? Nothing? Just be me?

Oh.

… Now I can do that no problem! Maybe I’m not the best actor in the world, but that’s OK. I’m the best me in the world. I’m always the best me. No pretence. No act. I can do what I need to do in any situation, and do it well. Or do it differently. Or not do it at all!

So really, I am the greatest actor in the world. I’m also the worst actor in the world as well. I can be anything that I want to be…