Breathing fire

Last Monday, I was in the right place at the right time. Well, on my driving moments mostly, but they still added to the overall feel good factor of the day.

This Monday, today, I couldn’t tell you if I was in the right place or not. I’ve not had a bad day, don’t get me wrong. I’ve had good music on my driving moments once again. Work has passed really quickly, so that is a plus. The weather has been fine (but then, the weather always is!), but I have had one thing that has taken precedence over everything today.

One little, slightly annoying thing, that has been there all day. And some people would go so far as to say that it isn’t that little, but I’d glare at them internally and ignore them when they say it.

Others would look at me in horror, and recoil as if to attempt to flee from my presence, but know inside that they can’t do that as they are in work and need my help (I’d actually recommend the fleeing option, but they seem to think that I can help them …so I try) (Aaargh! I’ve said try!) (Aaargh! Again!).

Others would be hypnotised, staring at me and saying nothing, until I cough and snap them out of their little parallel world. Then, they’d say something like “Look at the size of that!” and head for the door.

Before you read on, I must provide a warning. The rest of this post involves descriptions of involuntary bodily functions which some readers may find gross. Sorry about that.

You’d think people hadn’t seen a red nose before, wouldn’t you? A slightly swollen, fluorescent red thing that sits in the middle of one’s face. Sorry, my face.

The dictionary doesn’t help:

Nose:
1. the part of your face above your mouth that you use for smelling and breathing. The two holes in your nose are called nostrils.
2. the front part of an aircraft.

To make matters worse, their suggested word of the day is:

bray: to make the loud rough sound a donkey makes.

Yes, it’s that time of the month again.

I have a cold. I don’t know who had the idea to call it a cold, as it is anything but! I feel like I am breathing fire. My nose, luckily, is able to douse the flames as it is constantly running… goodness knows where all this water is coming from. I’m sure steam is coming from my nose as well… maybe that’s why people are staring… I’d ask, but I don’t really want to bring any more attention to myself.

What if I were to sneeze at a time when my nose wasn’t running? What if the heat up there had evaporated all of the excess water (highly unlikely)… I have a lot of papers on my desk and wouldn’t want them to go up in flames – but it would save me having to take them to the shredder bin. On the up side, I sit next to the fire exit, so an escape is handy if needed. Safety first.

I don’t know how dragons do it. They breathe fire all of the time. They actually do it on purpose. But they know what they are doing. My fire breathing skills are involuntary. Something may make me laugh. Then cough. Then I feel the burning sensation build. Then, the running sensation. And then I lose track of where I am. I sneeze. The office shakes. My nose burns. AGAIN.

And then… my eyes burn. Not only am I breathing fire, I have heat vision too. Heat vision isn’t one of my normal super powers, but it always manifests itself when I have a cold. Luckily, my eyes have the same response to the heat as my nose. They run too. And, yes, they are a fluorescent red colour as well. One more so than the other.

I should have seen all of this coming. I’ve had a sore throat all weekend. When I spoke, I sounded like I was braying, like a donkey. I love coincidences, I do!

The signs were there. I was still surprised when I woke up this morning, when really I shouldn’t have been. Next time, I’ll pay attention to the signs.

A good night’s sleep is on the cards for me tonight, so I’ll be ready for the world again tomorrow. Possibly with another manifested super power, but hey! It can be kind of fun trying out new things.

I believe heat-hearing is all the rage nowadays.

And Aaargh! I’ve said it again…