I’m beginning to feel that I am ‘finding myself’ again. I am starting to do a little bit more than I did before, and feel better for it. The phrase ‘finding myself’ makes it seem that I have been somehow lost, and although I have been right here physically, I have just been moving forward, really aimlessly, just into the next day, to do the same things again (slightly different, obviously, but generally the same!)
I started this blog so I could really find myself, and in writing about the various events that have happened to me in the past, I have been able to move forward with some of the serious ‘issues’ that I have carried with me over the years. I have also used EFT to help me release some of the agonising feelings that came from certain situations in the past. Everything is working slowly for me, and I don’t want to rush things along, but at the same time I want to be further down this path, just to see how far I got… if that makes sense. (I sometimes feel that I live in my own paradox, where I can make everything happen, but in taking action I stop the things that I really want from happening).
Take swimming for example. I’ve been swimming for seven days now. I’ve almost got up to swimming a mile a day. My clothes feel better on me. I weigh half a stone lighter than I did last Monday. I look in the mirror and see slight differences in how I look. I feel as though I walk differently. But I have a nagging voice inside my head saying that I have not done enough – or I have not done it quickly enough. This voice is also telling me that I need to look at the excess fat around my middle to see that I haven’t really lost the weight – it has just moved somewhere where it looks better. This voice of mine isn’t very complimentary. It’s either always putting me down, or telling me I’m not good enough, or telling me I am good enough (when I’m not) and then putting me down for not being good enough and it asks what was I thinking of for doing what I did in the first place…
This ego voice either wants me to feel good or bad. To feel better than others or worse. To achieve or fail. When I ask this voice why does it want me to do what it wants; or how can I do what it is telling me to do, it doesn’t answer. I have to make those decisions myself. If I make the right decision, my ego loves it. If I make the wrong decision, my ego loves that too. So, really, in essence, I am being told to do or not to do something, by a voice inside my head that isn’t really bothered whether I actually do it or not… but will constantly berate me anyway.
It’s no wonder I found myself getting a bit lost back there, with all that swirling going on within my head.
My ego’s not a bad thing, I hasten to add. It does tell me to beware when being aware is needed, so it does have a useful function. But the other ninety-odd percent of the time, it is just there jabbering away about how I did. I think my ego has taken control of me tonight, and has started typing this… it’s telling me I can’t possibly write this in a very good way without it’s help.
Well, ego, let me tell you something… I am good at what I do, and I am allowed not to be good at times. I am capable of learning from my mistakes without being punished for the rest of my life. I am grateful for the way you guide me to be alert, and be ready to run… but why do you constantly remind me of what I did whether I chose to run or not? Whether I use the wrong word in a conversation with someone, whether I am a few minutes late, whether I accidentally break something – they have just happened. They are done and in the past.
I’ve got right now to enjoy. Ego, start to enjoy it with me rather than enjoying your own little self at my expense.
Now, that felt good, and my ego enjoyed it too.