Hello. Could I speak with the person who is responsible for the bills please?

The person responsible for the bills? Who’s calling please?

It’s XYZ Energy, and we’d like to compare our prices with those to the current energy supplier. Are you the person responsible for the bills?

No. You need to speak to ABC Electric. They’re the ones responsible for my bills. I just pay them when they come in.



Hello. Could I speak to the homeowner please?

The homeowner? Who’s calling please?

It’s Alpine Fresh Conservatories. We have a fabulous range of ready made conservatories, available now at a price that must not be missed.

I’m the homeowner. Tell me more.

Aha! Yes, the conservatories are a steal at £3,500, plus VAT and labour, and they come with a five year guarantee, which can be extended for a further five years for a small sum should you so wish. Is this something you’re interested in?

Tell me more! Do you fit the conservatories yourselves?

Indeed we do, sir. Our expertly trained, and extremely courteous staff will visit, measure and build the conservatories to perfection.

Do they have height restrictions?

Height restrictions? No, not really. They can go as high as you’d like, I suppose.

Really? Are you one of those expertly trained members of staff?

Indeed I am, sir, although I don’t do the building myself. Why do you ask?

I’m just wondering how you’d manage to fit a conservatory to a fourth floor flat, that’s all.



Hello. Could I speak to the blog cretaor please?

The blog cretaor? Who’s calling please?

It’s Spam Is We. We’ve perceived that you didn’t been receiving any spam in a short happenstance, and we’re just wondering if everything is alreight.

Everything’s fine, thank you for asking. I no longer need your services. I did let one of your operatives know the other day.

I excruciatingly apologetic to hear that, blog cretaor. Could I gleam as to why?

Yes. I no longer need your services.

Could I not if it pleases you forthwith to subject you with an offering of some boots?

No thank you. I need no boots, no sunglasses, no ‘medicine’, I already know how good I am, so you don’t need to constantly tell me that any more, and I’m well aware that my sentences, no matter how long  they may be, make considerable more sense than the offerings you come out with. So, your services are no longer needed.

A thousand thank yous. I shall bookmark this fine webpage to be returning in a short day.


These phone calls are works of fiction, but based on fact. No cold callers were offended during the typing up of these calls, as they didn’t actually exist. I’m taking a short break from blogging for a day or two, but will soon be back. Just recharging the old batteries and all that! See you soon…

26 thoughts

  1. Notes taken for the next asshole who tries to sell me something!!! 🙂

    Brilliantly done Tom! 🙂

    Now enjoy your break and I’ll see you when you land! 🙂

    God Bless!



  2. Great one (you and this post Sir Aquatom) made my morning reading this. I’ve just had to contend with British Gas. They’ve decided to help themselves to an extra chunk of my money this month, strange how it more difficult for us to contact them than t’other way around. Hmmm? Catch up soon my friend. I’ve missed so much fun but it’s good to be back and think of all the good reading in store for me? Glass of wine, box of choccies, feet up and … bye for now xPenx


    1. Good to see you again, Lady P. It was by chance that I saw your post in my viewer this morning, as I’d clicked the wrong option (looking for my emails to see if I’d won the Lottery, which I hadn’t by the way!) but I had to comment. Looking forward to reading your posts again!


      1. having a bit of a ropey time at the mo Sir A, so apologies for not returning as promised … ‘aint life a biatch’ sometimes eh? I’m trying to raise personal spirits (not the bottled kind of course or t’other side either) and hope to put fingers to keyboard int’ near future. take care an’ hang on in there, xx


        1. Howdy Lady P!
          No need to apologise – take all the time you need!
          Things are a bit in the air here at the moment anyway, due to the old technical hitch hiccup. Hope things become more settled for you soon, so you can allow your own spirits to soar once more.


  3. Big smiles and a Knowing nod on this one Tom.. and they usually call just when sitting down to dinner in the evening too…. The most recent is the fuel companies each wanting to help heat your home as they create your blood pressure to rise ever further !

    Wishing you a Pleasant weekend Tom, and nothing wrong with your grey matter Here! 🙂 xxx


    1. So far so good, Sue! 😀
      Yes… they certainly get their timings inconvenient, don’t they?
      I barked at one of them once – felt awful afterwards but I must admit it felt good at the time!
      As I’m about a month late with this reply… I hope you had a good weekend then, and since, as well!


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