Always there

I’ve just realised that the only constant thing in my life is me.

I’ve been writing this blog for over a year now, even called it ‘Me! Me! Me me me!’, write about myself, my thoughts, my life, my random dreams and ideas, my nonsense. Everything I write about is based on how I see it. How I see the world.

You’d think that in itself would be a big giveaway… but no.

Take people for instance. People come and go. Sometimes they stay longer than they should, and sometimes they leave way too early, but that is just the way it is.

Just the way it should be.

The people who bullied me throughout school are… were… included in the group of people who have stayed in my life for longer than I wanted them too. Fortunately for my physical life, they moved on long ago. In my thoughts and memories, they are still with me. I don’t think the ‘torturous’ ways I was treated during my earlier years will ever truly go away. But like those involved, I have to move on. I can not remain stuck in the past. ‘They’ can’t hurt me anymore, but by constantly looking back, I am constantly hurting myself. Even saying I forgive those involved doesn’t let me off the hook as easily. Can I forgive myself for being that weak victim back then? Can I forgive myself for still being that weak victim today, many years later?

I have to. Nobody else will (or can). I’m not forgiving myself for being bullied, or being a victim to forget it all. I’m not forgiving myself to make myself feel better about it either. I’m forgiving myself to give myself a push forward. I’ve been through all of that, and I’m here today. Strong enough to write about it in stronger words than I have ever used before. That strength comes from within. That strength has always been part of me. Constantly.

The friends and family and other people who I have met for a brief period of time are included in the group of people who have left far too early. Grandparents and other family members who have passed on, no matter how brief a time we spent together, are constantly returning to my mind. They aren’t always at the front of my mind, but when I have my memories of them, I think they are appearing to help me to feel better. The people who have moved overseas, or moved to another job, or even those who have gone their separate ways from my particular journey have all added something to my life at the particular time they were in it. Whether they were there as teacher, friend or whatever else, they helped me to move forwards too.

Connecting all of these people together, the ‘nice’ ones and the ‘other’ ones, is me. The only constant thing in my life.

The only thing is, I’m not that constant either.

Every night, I go away. I return the following morning, with the same memories, the same body, the same job, the same weather, the same car, the same everything that was there yesterday, only I’m brand new. I can dwell on the things from yesterday that I didn’t like and not move myself forward. I can dwell on the things that I liked in the past, and not allow any change in my life. Or, I can just say to myself, “Tom, today is your life. Things, events, people will happen today that will never happen again. Make the most of every moment now. Learn if you must. Know that you have the strength. The only constant thing about your life is that you are in it. You control your feelings, your thoughts and actions, nobody else.”

The people in my past, all of the people, have helped me to reach this point. In a way, I have helped myself too, but not been aware of it completely. The people who are currently in my life (family, friends, complete strangers I pass in the street) are also helping me to learn to be better.

But I am the only constant within everything. Within the entire universe, looking at things that way. Although, the universe doesn’t revolve around me, I am still the only constant in my universe.

Looking at things on such a huge scale makes all of the little things trivial. Easier to forgive things that can be forgiven, and easier to look at things which may move along their own particular path a little more fondly.

I like being a constant. And seven, seven, seven… again…