Ministers without a purpose

I am not at all politically minded.

I don’t like politics of any kind, not the governmental kind, the office kind, or the little one-on-one kind. To me, it’s all manipulation, co-operation, beg, steal or borrow, or you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.

I constantly have an itchy back, and manage to scratch my own very well indeed, thank you very much. I have a stiff neck to show for it every now and then, but at least it is something. I wouldn’t even have the itch if I got somebody else to do it for me.

I occasionally, very occasionally, enjoy watching the debates in the House of Commons. Not for the debate itself, but for the ripples of comical ahs, mms, rumbles, coughs, sharp intakes of breath, flappings of papers and repeated cries of “Order! Order!”. Betty Boothroyd’s orders were by far the best, in my humble opinion.

This isn’t a post to slate politics, politicians, governments, offices, or people who argue, by any means. I’m sure they all have their place in the world, and Universally speaking everything has it’s place at the exact correct moment. Things get sorted. Eventually.

No, this is a post about Ministerial Positions that don’t exist. Positions, that, if I was interested in politics, and found myself leading this great country of ours, would introduce. My inner Leader of the Opposition has just announced that I have dropped the aitch in that last sentence… and I tactfully advised that the word ‘ours’ doesn’t have an aitch to start with, and in the word that does, ‘hours’, the aitch is silent anyway.

Almost half of my inner characters, aspects and personalities loved that reply, and in the distance I can hear my inner Speaker calling “Order! Order!” Unfortunately, I have more than one inner Speaker, and they are now all joining in. All of these orders are deafening, however, they manage to calm the other voices down again. Eventually.

I have decided to announce to the nation the creation of five brand new ministerial positions, although the ministers themselves may have to sit on the row of seats directly behind the front row, that is broadcast on news channels around the world on a frequent basis. I can’t see it mattering that much anyway.

After my post yesterday, regarding the ampersand being removed from the alphabet, I think that it is too much responsibility for the British Library, or the Department of Alphabetical Studies, or those Dictionary People, or whoever, who decide that letters can be added and removed from alphabets on a whim. The letter Z for instance, has been the subject of a rumour that it too was due to be removed. My inner Zombie has just looked on horrified. Well, I think he has anyway. If he is a he, that is.

So, my first post is the Minister of Letters, Letters and Numbers. A dull title, I know, but this minister must have responsibility for numbers as well as letters, in as much that they ensure the postal services actually deliver the correct mail to the correct house number. And that the letter Z remains in the alphabet.

Position number two, is the Minister for Imagination. Imagination Control. Freedom of Imagination. Imagination Taxing. Imagination Expansion. That kind of thing. Not to exactly tell people what to think, you understand.

The third new ministerial position, and possibly the most important one of all, is the Minister for Ministers. A completely classified position that only a select committee know what the role entails. The select committee is also classified, but they go by the codename Zedanda (Z&A), and meet in Meeting Room Three.

The fourth ministerial position to be created is the Minister for Air and Hair. Their main responsibility will be pollution and effects on the natural environment and bad hair days.

The fifth, and final, new ministerial position is the Minister for Monsters. Well, with all the gatherings they are having nowadays they need to have their own minister at long last.

My inner Zombie has just muttered menacingly about the Minister for Monsters position. I think it may be standing. It’s hard to tell.

So, there we have it. An imaginary post to keep my imaginary Minister for Imagination happy. A room to keep the Minister for Letters, as well as the Minister of Ministers, equally happy. The Monsters seem happy. And we have great hair. With or without the aitch it’s great!

Like I said, I’m not politically minded. All things considered, maybe that’s not a bad thing. Oh, and look, the word count is 777. You could almost say ZZZ…!