Making it sound better

With Fred and Bernard off on their little quest, things have been a little more quiet around my head for the past few days. It makes a nice change to actually notice the leaves on the trees, or the sunshine, or even the red traffic lights without a twinge of anger (or Fredness); and it certainly feels good not to hear the constant nagging that I am not good enough from Bernard.

OK, I know that in some areas I could be better, but I don’t need an Inner Bernard to tell me that. It’s annual review time in work, where I have to answer questions the likes of ‘what did you do well in the last year, and what did you do not so well?’

Talk about a loaded question! I presume they only want to know about work, otherwise I could go on for reams of paper about the things I did well, and the things that I can do better. I only have an hour, so I need to keep things brief and to the point. Making something up out of nothing is quite a task, but it can be done.

I’m actually half way through it, and I’m not making it up. I’m just making it sound better. How many ways can you say ‘managing to stay awake in the long hours when I have nothing to do’? That answers both parts of the question at the same time, actually, and it also says nothing at all.

This has got me thinking about other lines that can be used on such a review, or even a CV for a new job, if only for a laugh and most definitely in a non-serious way. Somebody once applied for a job where I worked previously, and the management had ‘accidentally’ left their application form out on the desk. It was from someone who worked in promotions dressed as a white bunny rabbit, and their CV went into great detail about carrots, hopping, having a good ear, fluffy tails, and other rabbit associated things.

If this was the only job they had known, and was the only work experience they had had, then you can understand why it was all they could write about on the application, but this would really have called for some ‘embellishments’ to their descriptions so they could actually appear to be able to do more than be a rabbit.

So, here are twenty ideas I have had for alternative descriptions for everyday jobs that many of us undertake:

Window Cleaner: Dual-sided Visual Enhancement Technician (if working outdoors as well as inside) or External (or Internal)  Visual Enhancement Technician for those who work part time in window cleaning and only do one side.

Bookkeeper: Traditional Transitional Numeric Executive

Gardener: Nature’s Artificial Beautician

Directory Enquiries Operator: Urgent Response Assistant (for telephonic use)

Supermarket Shelf-stacker: Promotional Product Placement Artiste

Welder: Metallic Fusion Engineer

WordPresser: Unique Literary Publisher

TV Newsreader: Non-urgent Response Assistant (for television use)

Check-out Assistant: Seated Transaction Clerk

Kissogram: Personal Promotions Assistant

Bank Manager: Bank Manager

Bookmaker: Traditional Numerical Converter

Florist: Floral Artist

Chef: Urgent Response Assistant (for gastronomic use)

Air Steward / Stewardess: Airborne Professional Promotions Assistant

Bus Driver: Transitional Seated Transaction Clerk

Fast-food Burger Toaster: Extreme Urgent Response Assistant (for gastronomic use)

Painter an Decorator: Colour Distributor

Vampire: Nocturnal Assistant

Superhero: Diurnal Assistant

You may have noticed one that didn’t really change that much in the list; I couldn’t think of a better name to use, so just extended it a little, stretched it out, so to speak, and came up with Floral Artist.

And there we have it. Jobs that already sound better (in the majority of cases) by adding a little creativity to the mix. I shall continue to use this creativity in my annual review tomorrow and see where it takes me…