I’ve been living in denial for many years.
I didn’t want to say it this way, in public, just simply out of fear of the unknown. I can’t keep it in any longer. I have to reveal the truth. It’s just that…
Ack! I can’t say it. It is just too much, too soon.
No, not the fear of the unknown, that’s nothing compared to this what I’m trying to say. This monumental breakthrough moment that I have to announce to the world, to enable not only myself, but the rest of the world to move forward.
Why is it so hard to say that I…
Whoa! Nearly said it then.
I have this barrier that I need to get through. The grass is greener on the other side of the barrier, I know that. I can see it. I can feel it. Actually, it isn’t too bad on this side of the fence for that matter, but it looks so much better over there. Hmm. What if I were to just go over there secretly? Who’d know?
Me! I’d know! Why would I want to do something in secret when I can do it better out in the open? It’s that fear of the unknown again, that’s the biggie. The fear that everyone will know this thing about me that I have spent so long trying to hide.
I’m going to ask Bernard, my inner voice. He always gives good advice when I’m caught in a quandary such as this. Bernard… are you there?
What do you want?
You know what I want. I want an answer. Direction. Guidance. You are my inner voice. The part of me that tells me what I should and shouldn’t do. Can’t you tell me what to do in this situation?
Well, I can. You won’t do what I say though. You always go against what I say. If I say don’t do it, you think I’m being negative. If I say do it, you think I’m lying. Telling you to do something that you shouldn’t be doing. I’m part of you. Why don’t you do what I ask you to do? It would be so much easier for all of us if you just did. You’re useless anyway. I always give the most accurate advice ever and you never listen. The things that go wrong, go wrong because of your own stupidity, not the advice that I give you. Are you listening to me. See, you never listen.
Bernard, I don’t know why I asked you. I’m now filled with even more doubt than before, and you haven’t given me any advice whatsoever. You haven’t told me to run away, or stay and stand up for myself. You haven’t said that I am strong enough to handle anything, or capable of dealing with any situation in a calm way.
You have never said that to me.
You have always said I am not worthy.
I think you are the reason I am confused.
I think you are the reason I hold myself back.
Not the fear of the unknown. Not the reaction of people around me. Not even the reaction of the world and beyond.
You. My own inner voice.
Bernard?
Bernard! Where have you gone? You always disappear when I ask you for more clarity. Typical.
I shouldn’t listen to that inner nagging voice anyway.
I have to make the decision by myself again. Well, there is only me who can do it – no-one else will do it for me.
So world, let me tell you a little bit about myself. The real me.
I’m a paradox. I’m growing older, yet feel the same age as I did years ago. I feel like I know more about myself, yet I know that I know very little. I have a lot to give, yet hold back. I have a lot of dreams to live, yet I do not live that life. I write about confusion to gain clarity, but gain more confusion. I think thoughts that are far bigger than I should even contemplate or understand, yet I understand them. I’m confused, but I’m happy.
That wasn’t too bad after all.
OK world, carry on spinning!
The Mansionic Perspective 
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