I’ve mentioned a few times about the fact that I was bullied throughout my time at school. I suppose it was because I wouldn’t fight back, or I was an easy target or something. It wasn’t one person in particular that did the ‘bullying’, and I also classed some of the teachers as bullies too. Grouping them all together in this one group was an easy way for me to distinguish the ‘nice people’ from those who weren’t as nice. Some of the people who I classed as bullies, only bullied me on occasions, and others only bullied me when they were with their friends, and were OK with me when they were on their own.
I saw a photograph on Facebook the other day of one of the classes I was in. It was from senior school, and everyone looked so young and small. I remembered the day of the photo, and the school uniforms. The teacher didn’t look as familiar as I thought she would have, but quite a lot of the school feelings came back to me. I must add here not the apprehension of what was going to happen, that I felt several times throughout my school life – and I must thank EFT for that – that was a horrible feeling to deal with!
So, here was the group of people I had grown up with, some of whom I liked spending time with, others who I wanted to know better – but couldn’t get the confidence to get to know them better, others who would punch me for no reason, or drag me down to the floor and spit in my mouth as I was shouting “Aaaargh!”, others who would snigger at me as I walked past them, others who would inspire me with the way they created their masterpieces in art, others who dressed scruffily, others who were good at the sports, others who I longed for them to notice me, others who weren’t in school all of the time, others who were just really nice kids, going through their learning experiences as I was. Obviously everyone was in that last category; even some of the teachers to a certain extent. But I decided to tar everyone with the ‘bully’ label, and unfortunately, that stayed with me for umpteen years.
I don’t actually remember my last day of school. It’s such a milestone in a person’s life as they take their first steps into the big wide world, and I don’t remember it. I remember a couple of exams – the teachers were striking at the time I was taking my exams, so it was a bit of a chance that we would actually get to do them – that I do remember, but not the actual last day. I don’t know how any of the others got on in their exams, and I can only just remember how I did.
I found out a while ago that one of the people who did bully me, and regularly, had died. I remember feeling nothing at the time. However, he was in that photo, and some of the others from the class were commenting on both the photo, and his passing. He had left a couple of children, and he also left his parents. I think he may have had a brother as well. He has left a huge hole in their lives, and it is this thought that came to me when I was reading the comments on the photo. I’m not even going to try to think of reasons why he decided to pick on me (he also picked on some others too, reading some of the other comments on the photo) but he did it for his own reasons. Although I will never forget what happened to me throughout school, I think that I should really just move on. Forgiveness is a great step for moving forwards, and I hope, that by typing this, it starts my process of forgiving all of those who, at one time or another, were grouped into my bully category.
I’m not going to forget any of it – well, most of it, I sometimes can’t remember what I did yesterday! – And I will still mention it from time to time throughout the blog. It happened to me, so it will get a mention. I don’t feel bad about it anymore, which is why I include it in the blogs that have a lighter feel to them.
Sorry, this is a bit of a deep blog this time. The issue of bullying is a strong one, especially if you are one of those who has been (or is being) bullied. Although I can’t advise what to do if you are in this situation, there is always someone you can turn to for help, and I would suggest this as the first course of action. Don’t keep it to yourself; it is nothing to be ashamed of. And DO NOT let it interfere with the quality of your life. You are entitled to be happy.
So, in closing, if you were one of those people who ‘bullied’ me throughout my school days, I forgive you. However, you have certainly given me something to remember. Thanks for that.