The Quick Fix Slimming Mix (Repeated)

I’m a little busy at the moment, but I just have enough time to write my post for today.

Occasionally, I turn my bathroom into a makeshift laboratory. Nothing like those that you see in any mad professor’s lair in a horror movie or TV show or anything, but, at times, it works well, I’m pleased to say.

Most times it works well.

Sometimes, it doesn’t. The time before last I ended up getting stuck in the bath in a blue quick drying cement that should have been bubble bath. I managed to get out of that predicament, and vowed never to do anything like that again.

And I haven’t.

Not like that.

I can’t bring myself to write about what happened last time. Not yet, anyway. But I can write about my latest experiment.

To say I need to lose a few pounds isn’t exactly stretching the truth. With winter coming on, I don’t have as much time to turn the top of my landing into a Super Gym, so my muscles don’t get the work out they are so accustomed to. I can do my workouts at the weekend, but that’s all. As a result, I have become something of a ‘podge’.

The other day, I had the idea of inventing a drink, a fruit flavoured drink, that would instantly (well, within a few hours) completely burn up those extra fat cells, and give the old muscles a kind of mini work out.

Today – this evening in fact – I set my plan into action.

I liquidised some strawberries, and a banana. I like strawberries and bananas so thought I’d use both for this drink. I could have gone for orange and melon, but maybe next time for them.

I then boiled up some diet lemonade – the cloudy lemonade, not the clear stuff – and measured a litre out into a sterilised bucket. I then added the liquid fruit, and my completely confidential weight loss formula. This formula is available in all good supermarkets, but if my idea is a success I’ll not mention what it is just yet. When I refer to the formula, I mean the components to it – it isn’t one thing, you understand.

Anyway, I was blending away in the laboratory in the bathroom, and the mixture became a nice peachy shade of orange. The smell that came from it was exquisite… like a fresh fruit salad. I blended some more, using both an old wooden spoon and a rolling pin.

I didn’t intend to use the rolling pin, but for some reason my mind was elsewhere when I started and I had grabbed the rolling pin instead of the spoon. I couldn’t be bothered going back to the kitchen again for the spoon and started stirring with the rolling pin. When I realised this wasn’t working I had to get the spoon anyway.

So, using the spoon in my left hand and the rolling pin in my right, I stirred ambidextrously, which worked very well indeed.

The bubbles from the lemonade had been removed during boiling, but one component of my special formula caused more intense bubbles to appear within the mixture. Bubbles the size of apples were popping out of the bucket.

I had to continue stirring, and eventually, the liquid thinned again and went back to its lemonade consistency, with the peachy colour and normal sized bubbles.

I’d decided the mixture was ready.

It was time to try the drink.

I got myself a small glass, and filled it almost to the top with the fruity drink. Holding the glass up to the light, I could see through the liquid, so it was clear and peachy, and lemony, strawberry-y and banana-y.

It didn’t taste at all bad. It was lovely in fact. Really refreshing, with a bit of a zing that would make anyone sing! I drank the glass really quickly, and helped myself to another one.

It tickled my throat as it went down.

I looked into the mirror and noticed it wasn’t the drink tickling my throat. It was my teeth. Somehow, the drink has caused hair to suddenly grow out of my teeth, and it was that what was tickling my throat as I swallowed, not the delicious fruity drink.

Shocked, I reached for my razor and quickly shaved the hair from my teeth, which in turn quickly grew back. I shaved them again, and the hair reappeared, but this time not as quickly. So the shaving was slowly working.

And this brings me to now, and why I’m so busy. I’m having to shave my teeth every fifteen minutes now, so will have to dash again in a minute, but the effect is gradually fading now. Hopefully by tomorrow, I shall have normal teeth again.

I’ll get back to you on the weight-loss properties!

(Originally posted on 24th October 2012)