The Road to Meringue

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Sometimes, days are just plain sailing. Up early(ish), breakfasted, dressed, and out and on with the rest of the day, and in what seems like a flash the day is coming to an end once again.

Most days, it could be said, are generally like that.

Some days, however, are so far removed from the truth, they are, well, unbelievable.

The other day started like almost every other. I was about to set out for the day, and, as I was about to open the door, a rapping came from the other side of it.

A strong, vibrant rap… not a simple tap or genteel knock, but a hefty rapping of the knuckles.

As I had to open the door to go out, I had a look to see who was on the other side.

To my surprise, it was a complete stranger. A tall man, possibly aged between thirty and sixty (I’m not very good with ages). And he was wearing a huge hat. Huge!

Before I could utter a word, he spoke.

“Howdy! I’m Walpole E. Epstein. E with a period. I’m from Ayfumuss. Here’s my card.” And he thrust a business card into my hand – I almost dropped my door key receiving the card from him.

On the card were the initials A.I.F.M.S, Walpole’s name (with the period) and a number that was clearly an American telephone number.

“Hi” Walpole smiled, and I cautiously smiled back. “I’m here because I need your help.”

Walpole had a very ‘strong’ American accent. I’m not sure where it was actually from, but I remembered thinking that if anyone had the same accent as him, they too would think he had a strong accent… it was very pronounced.

(I’m not very good at writing in accents, so you’ll have to take my word for it).

“Actually,” Walpole continued, “I can help you as well, Tom.”

I nearly fell through the floor. A complete stranger knowing me wasn’t something I was expecting first thing in the morning.

“I know you wanna know more…” Walpole looked as though he knew something but was hiding it, “But all in good time. First, a bit about li’l ol’ me.”  I looked at my wrist and realised that I didn’t own a watch. I sighed inwardly. “I’m not actually here” he said, subdued.

I thought about closing the door and going back into the Mansion and ignoring him, but I would have had to walk passed him eventually as I had the feeling that he wasn’t going anywhere, so I looked interested instead.

“You’re not here?” I asked, pointedly looking at him – and the business card in my hand.

“Oh, I’m here now alright,” Walpole laughed boisterously, “Only not in body.” He put his hand through one of the stones in the wall around the door.

I was taken aback (and slightly puzzled as to how he rapped on the door so loudly if he could go through things). However, he knew what I was thinking. Typical.

“Your housemate, Dot, was speaking to me the other day and told me the best time to catch you, which is why I’m here now.”

Dot is my friendly ghost who appears every now and then to play with my electrical equipment. She hasn’t appeared to me for a while, so why would she speak to a random stranger?

“Dot hasn’t told me all about you…” Walpole laughed again. “No, I’ve gotten the information I need from your blog, and the blogs you visit.”

Obviously, he had done his homework very well, but unfortunately, not well enough. I had to correct him after almost every blog he quoted incorrectly.

“To prove I know all about you, I know that you visit the Incidental Catchie Mama…”
”Accidental Cootchie Mama”, I corrected.
”Kate Wednesday”
”Shrewsday”
”Lone Adventures”
”Lame”
”Excuse me? Ah, never mind. Susan Shuden Nuden”
”Susan Sheldon Nolen”
”Sue Sleepwalker”
”Dreamwalker”

I was starting to get a little tired of correcting him, but still he went on. (And I must apologise to my fellow bloggers who have been so incorrectly named here. Links to all of their blogs are available throughout this site)

“The Hot European Wolf”
”Europa. And Ice Wolf”
”The Laughing Dormouse”
Housewife!”
”And all of the other pirates, artists, poets, astrologers, writers, thinkers, dreamers, cooks and storytellers. I could go on… fascinating, the lot of them…”

“Yes, I know” I said, “but what does that have to do with me?”

“Well, nothing really.” Walpole was starting to open a briefcase that I had just realised he was holding. I sighed.

“Nothing,” he went on, “apart from the fact that your mansion may help me to get from this strange zone that I’m trapped in, and back home. I’ve been stuck here for six months now, and desperately need to get back.”

So, he needed help from the Mansion. I know this Mansion is a magical place, but I’m not sure about dragging someone from another dimension.

Walpole had retrieved a handheld computer and was holding it in his left hand. In his right hand was a microphone, and as soon as he switched the computer on it started to squeak and squawk like nobody’s business. In the next instant, he barged passed me and ran up the stairway to the landing. He was heading for the bathroom.

The computer was screeching wildly by the time I’d caught up with him.

“This room” Walpole was very excited, “Is the hub. The central gateway between the many realms. It is my way to freedom.”

A wind suddenly blew by, into the bathroom, and in the centre something appeared. A swirling black and purple mass or something. I knew instantly that it was a black hole.

Walpole E. Epstein had opened a black hole in my bathroom. And it started to draw things into it.

Well, I can now see that these events are going to exceed what should fit into a blog post, especially on this blog, so I think this would be a good place for those immortal words ‘To Be Continued…’ to appear…

I really do wonder what could happen next…

17 comments on “The Road to Meringue”

  1. Hmmmm… Walpole sounds an oddball, but opening a black hole in your bathroom???

    Must need a heck of a lot of drain cleaner… 🙂

    I await the continuation…

    God Bless!

    Prenin.

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    1. I think he does, LA. He may have a slight Brooklynese accent (from what I read from your link) but there are others in there as well. It’s very strong, and very different!
      And with that portal now open in the bathroom, it could lead anywhere!

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  2. omg what did you do …he knows all of us too !!!
    yikes..
    Bathroom huh..ok if that is how things would be ..not that he asked..
    Tom what will you do now..hey dont go without me..this may be my only chance..

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    1. I know Soma, that’s the thing… he knows everyone who has visited this site, and possibly those who visit their sites too! I don’t know exactly how… I wouldn’t be surprised if he hasn’t cropped up elsewhere in the blogosphere – on the internet for that matter!

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  3. Tom, Walpole seems to have opened up a Vortex, beware my friend, All manner of strange events can now transpire… Im sure your are aware that these kind of Vortex’s have a two-way door… And I have come across one of these in the past at a very young age…
    It was when the Toilets were not situated in the Bathroom days Tom…. You are far too young to remember them… But we would venture out in the Cold of night armed only with a Candle and some newspaper.. To Keep us Calm for the Black Hole was a dreaded thing… We used to sing..
    Old King Cole, was a Merry old soul, and a Merry old soul was he.. He called for a Light in the Middle of the Night to go to the W.C. The Moon shone on the Closet Door… and the Candle had a fit!….. For Old King Cole fell down the hole..
    And well….. there is more…. But its too scary for me to recall… but lets just say..
    His End wasnt pretty!……..
    So Beware Tom of Walpole,,, He may be related to King Cole… 😉

    Excellent Post Tom…

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    1. I do remember the detached loos, Sue, but would only ever use one in daylight. Old King Cole certainly did seem to have a terrible ending in that version of the rhyme… no wonder it’s scary, I’m seeing images with my mind’s eye!
      Walpole, I’m not entirely sure about… he’s a little eccentric, maybe he is related to ancient royalty.
      And this Vortex that’s open Sue… I’m well aware of the strange events… can’t say too much right now though…

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  4. 😀 GREAT writing, Tom, and I’m now thinking of renaming myself Kate Wednesday….love this Walpole character and cannot wait to see what happens next in that bathroom of yours..

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  5. HoooOOOOOWWWwwwwLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! LoL 😉 I will never ever look at bathrooms in the same way again now!! I love where this is going…and where exactly it is in fact going is no doubt very different to what I maybe dreaming up right now 🙂 And Sue Sleepwalker?!! Oh dear 😀 And that Ice wolf mention was a very interesting “mention” thanks! How cheeky of Walpole to open a black hole in your bathroom! You don’t say what it drew into itself exactly…I hope it left your bath/shower and your “loo”!! Coud be a problem otherwise that’s all! Walpole would definately be seeking to get home quicker at that rate lol 😉 Look forward to the “continued” bit … don’t keep us waiting too long though 🙂

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    1. Hi Icewolf… he would have to open it in the bathroom through, wouldn’t he? Not in the kitchen, or just outside the front door, but the bathroom!
      Pleased you liked the little ‘mention’… although I had to correct Walpole.
      Hopefully, I didn’t keep you waiting too long for the second part…

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      1. I’ll let Walpole off on this occasion as I’m hoping we will be hearing a lot more about him as time progresses 🙂

        The bathroom was the only possible option for Walpole wasn’t it? lol…It contains your hair gel!! That in itself would make the b-room a hub of altered dimensional activities and I suspect it’s an alien invaders mothership too!! Powered by your hair gel 🙂

        No…the waiting time for the second part was perfect thanks…seamless and almost simultaneous…the same will of course be said for part 3….will it not? 😉

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